Navigating the Complexities of Familial Relationships

One of the oddities of American culture is the annual airing of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life during the holiday season. Although it’s regarded as a beloved classic, the film carries a profoundly melancholic vibe. The first time I watched it in full, it left me devastated. It’s embedded in popular memory as having a happy conclusion, but that comes only after a lengthy narrative of a good man’s struggles. George Bailey, portrayed by Jimmy Stewart, faces the harsher realities of a capitalist world – like selfishness and staggering greed, which typically doesn’t evoke the Christmas spirit. However, this stark contrast could make it the ideal holiday movie, illustrating the disparity between the ways things ought to be and how they often are. 

As therapists, we frequently work within these discrepancies – between external appearances and genuine emotions, between social media portrayals and real life, and between the holiday expectations versus the reality experienced. The truth is, the period following Thanksgiving and Christmas tends to be especially challenging, as clients return after interacting with individuals who have caused them pain under the guise of “family.” They endure probing comments and unsolicited opinions from relatives they might avoid if they weren’t connected by blood. They also wrestle with the pressure to conform to societal norms surrounding family love and unity.  

For many of my clients, the holiday season is full of mixed emotions. Past traumas resurface; familiar interaction styles are reignited. When I used to visit home for Christmas on the East Coast, I would often find my mother insisting I “go outside,” echoing sentiments from my childhood. Depending on one’s political beliefs, there’s typically a relative eager to sway you toward their viewpoint. The concept of “family” can sometimes cast a shadow, being employed to dictate behavior. “Do it for family” often translates to “Do what I want.” 

There must be some evolutionary advantage to gathering with extended relatives, but its necessity is questionable today. People can create their own supportive networks, whether in person or online, without relying solely on their biological family. If you cherish your relatives, connect with them, but if your visits are dictated by obligation or tradition alone, reflect on your motives. There’s no tangible reward for being the ‘perfect’ family member; instead, asserting your needs might boost your self-esteem. Should you choose to attend family gatherings, consider the following advice to ease the experience. 

1. Let go of the notion that others are having a perfect holiday while you are not – many are likely feeling similar to you.
2. Don’t succumb to others’ expectations of what “family” should look like. This term can frequently be a means of manipulation. 
3. Keep things cheerful. Resist the temptation to engage in political debates, even if it’s tempting. It’s simply not worth it. 
4. Make time for yourself throughout the day. Even if you don’t need the bathroom, take a moment to recharge. 
5. If budget allows, consider staying at a nearby hotel or motel if being at home with relatives feels overwhelming.
6. Shorten the duration of your visit and ensure you have a day or two afterward to recuperate. 
7. Remember your power and know that you’re not obliged to adhere to traditions or customs that bring you discomfort. Spending the holidays alone can be a valid choice for some people. And if you find yourself spending the holidays solo, and feel like watching a classic film, I recommend It’s a Wonderful Life.