(image: yourhappyplaceblog)
If you’ve followed my blogs or read my book, you’re probably aware that I’ve been dealing with mental health challenges since I was a child. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16, depression and anxiety at 15, and I struggled with anxiety as a young child.
Currently, my bipolar disorder is managed with medication, allowing my brain to function more ‘normally’, meaning I don’t experience intense mania or severe depression, though I still face significant anxiety and mild depression.
What began in my teens as a protective measure turned into a full-blown panic disorder along with social anxiety. By isolating myself, I thought I was shielding myself from negative judgments and the harsh realities of life.
Even now, at 36, I continue to contend with a lot of the same anxious thoughts and feelings. Although I don’t frequently share this aspect of my life anymore, I believe it’s important to talk about it.
Yesterday, after going through a particularly challenging time with anxiety where I canceled multiple plans and stayed indoors for too long, I reached out to my amazing therapist to sort through my feelings.
During our conversation about the various factors contributing to my social anxiety and agoraphobia, I recognized an important truth.
I have constructed metaphorical walls in many areas of my life (including my body, friendships, and relationships) as a way to protect myself from past trauma. This tendency manifests as social anxiety and sometimes intensifies, while at other times, it improves.
However, I came to the realization that I genuinely want to feel fully alive and start dismantling some of these walls so that I can embrace life. While those walls may offer safety and comfort, they sometimes hinder my growth. I also aspire to enhance my self-esteem, which would help me avoid retreating and hiding; and if I do feel that way, I want to learn how to cope with it positively. Since I have experienced EMDR therapy before, I might consider revisiting that to address these feelings!
I’m a work in progress and understand that anxiety will always be a part of my life to some extent. The key is learning how to live well despite the challenges that come my way.
Do you also find yourself building walls or experiencing social anxiety?
I’m sharing this because it’s therapeutic for me, even though I felt anxious about being this open since it’s such a personal topic.
With love,
Eleanor x