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Jealousy becomes an issue when it occurs in imagined situations, leading us to make three primary “cognitive errors” that distort our perception of reality.
When jealousy strikes, it can take over our thoughts, disrupting our relationships and causing significant emotional pain—often without us fully understanding why we feel this way. We may not want to resent someone, yet that feeling can feel overpowering. What makes jealousy so intense?
In a video from PBS’s science series BrainCraft, creator and host Vanessa Hill discusses the origins of jealousy and how we can manage this challenging emotion.
Why Am I Feeling So Jealous?
According to Hill, jealousy often arises when we perceive a threat to a relationship. As kids, we can feel jealous of siblings when they receive more of our parents’ attention. As adults, we may feel envious of someone new who grabs our friend or partner’s attention.
“Jealousy is a mix of emotions, including fear of loss, anxiety, anger, sadness, and embarrassment,” states Hill.
Jealousy can also have a genetic component. A 2013 study found that approximately one-third of jealousy is influenced by our genes. Additionally, personality traits, such as low self-esteem, can play a role in whether we are prone to feeling jealous.
“It’s crucial to understand that feeling jealous is a normal response, and there’s no need to feel guilty about it. It serves as a warning that something might be wrong, prompting us to safeguard a valued relationship.”
“It’s crucial to understand that feeling jealous is a normal response, and there’s no need to feel guilty about it,” Hill emphasizes. “It serves as a warning that something might be wrong, prompting us to safeguard a valued relationship.”
The Traps of Jealousy
Hill notes that jealousy becomes an issue when it stems from hypothetical situations, which can lead us to make three significant cognitive errors that cloud our judgment:
- Mind-reading: Assuming that someone you care about, like a spouse, has romantic feelings for someone else without any real evidence.
- Personalizing: Interpreting everything in a way that makes it about you. For instance, thinking that a friend who cancels plans because they’re ill simply doesn’t want to see you.
- Fortune-telling: Anticipating someone’s future actions, such as believing your boss will promote a new coworker instead of you.
“It’s natural to feel jealous at times, but it’s essential to distinguish between managing those feelings and letting them control you,” Hill remarks.
Managing Jealousy: A 3-Step Awareness Technique
Hill suggests we can avoid cognitive errors by recognizing how jealousy impacts our mind and body. Here are three steps to take next time jealousy creeps in:
- Pay attention to your body. When jealousy arises, how does it physically affect you? Do you feel tension in your chest or pressure in your head? A body scan can help you identify where the stress from jealousy manifests—it’s different for everyone. Hill also suggests journaling your feelings to concentrate your thoughts and help relax.
- Acknowledge your thought patterns. If you find yourself engaging in mind-reading, personalizing, or fortune-telling, take a moment to pause. Assess whether those thoughts are founded in reality. Reflect on positive aspects of your relationship to focus on what you appreciate in that person.
- Pinpoint the source of your jealousy. Try to identify what you believe is genuinely threatening your relationship. Is it your friend spending time with someone new, or is it that you’ve been working longer hours and have been unable to connect with them as often as you’d like?
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