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Dive into this mindfulness technique aimed at nurturing forgiveness and releasing the habit of amplifying suffering during tough times.
Two monks stroll along a path and come across a muddy stream. A well-dressed woman approaches them and commands, “Don’t just stand there. Someone carry me across this mess.”
The older monk immediately picks her up. She doesn’t say a word, not even a thank you.
As they continue walking, the younger monk broods—How could he pick her up? We’re not supposed to touch or talk to women, and her rudeness deserves a response. She didn’t earn our help.
Finally, at the inn for dinner, he can’t restrain himself any longer. “What were you thinking?” he questions his companion. “She was rude, and you broke the rules. Plus, she didn’t even thank you.”
The older monk smiles softly and responds. “I set that woman down hours ago, but you’ve been carrying her ever since!”
Understanding Our Anger and Resentment
So what’s the takeaway? We all err. Others make mistakes too. We harm each other, and sometimes we endure hurt from others. This can range from minor incidents to deeply traumatic events. We increase our suffering through judgment, anger, and blame; this is often likened to receiving a second arrow after being struck by the first. Something unfortunate happens, and then we complicate it further.
With forgiveness, we make necessary reparations but release the extra weight. We extend to ourselves the same empathy we would offer to a dear friend.
Forgiveness doesn’t equate to condoning ourselves or others for their actions. Yet, we often hold ourselves accountable indefinitely, even for situations completely out of our hands or from years ago. By practicing forgiveness, we make reparations when needed and drop the unnecessary baggage. We treat ourselves with the same kindness we’d afford a good friend.
Conversely, we may allow someone’s past actions to affect us long after they’ve left our lives. When another driver cuts us off, putting us at risk, and then speeds away, they might relax at brunch, but we are left bitter as we steep in our anger. This dynamic holds true in broader situations as well. Anger and resentment can thrive, while a compassionate approach allows us to address what needs addressing without adding further pain.
A Meditation for Forgiveness to Release Added Suffering
- Get into a comfortable position, whether sitting or lying down.
- Focus on your breath, noticing any feelings or sensations without judgment, then gently redirect your focus back to the rhythm of your breathing.
- Think of something you’re hard on yourself about. You may feel regret or irritation. Acknowledge those feelings, then reflect on these three phrases, allowing yourself to set an intention: I forgive myself for not understanding. I forgive myself for making mistakes. I forgive myself for causing pain to myself and others.
- Return your focus to the phrases for a while, using them as your anchor instead of the breath. This exercise may become intense; if so, feel free to return to focusing on your breath whenever needed, giving yourself permission to ease back when necessary.
- Our minds tend to cling to moments of feeling wronged. Some experiences may justly warrant our attention or action. However, we can still work on avoiding that second arrow. I forgive you for not understanding. I forgive you for making mistakes. I forgive you for causing suffering to me and to others. Releasing anger and judgment related to tough situations is key. If this feels overwhelming, return your attention to your breath or, alternatively, focus on sending compassion to yourself.
- Such practices can be quite difficult, so take these last moments to breathe in and accept what you feel right now. With each out-breath, as you would for a dear friend, offer yourself relief, strength, or whatever resonates at that moment.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean passivity or inaction. It’s not about letting our guard down when it comes to protecting ourselves or others from harm. Take necessary action which may involve pausing, stilling your mind, and trying to see things as clearly as possible before responding with skill. Keep practicing forgiveness repeatedly, releasing anything that holds you back.
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