Embrace the Challenge: 3 Effective Strategies to Support Your Struggling Child

Are you uncertain about whether to engage deeply or disengage when it comes to your child’s substance use?

Do you feel overwhelmed when things spiral out of control?

There is a plethora of advice out there, with a common suggestion being to detach. However, your child might have a better opportunity to change their circumstances if you choose to engage.

Cutting ties with your child’s issues too early can be problematic. Without interaction, you have little chance to influence them.

It’s understandable to want to let go when your child’s behavior is challenging. While stepping back may be beneficial for your own health, it shouldn’t be your first response. 

Research indicates that leaning in and exploring the root causes of the problem can prompt your child to contemplate making a change in their life.

Yelling, confrontation, and empty threats often inflict more harm than good. Many parents feel like they are boiling over. It’s more advantageous for everyone to communicate with your child in a positive manner. Focus on their strengths, and try to make a tough situation more positive.

Picture a game of tug-of-war. What’s the aim? It’s to pull the opposing team to your side, and the harder you pull, the harder they resist. This mirrors recovery. The more insistently we try to pull them toward us, the more they resist. If we instead lean in, while it may seem counterproductive, the dynamic shifts. The struggle lessens, and we simply exist together without conflict. No one is battling to prove their viewpoint is superior. In this environment, your child can see you differently and may feel encouraged to be open and vulnerable, prompting them to reciprocate. This creates a space where you can collaboratively navigate their recovery rather than dragging them through it. ~ Natana Reason (Clinical Program Director – Colorado Springs)

Parents dealing with a child’s substance struggle need accessible strategies. It’s important to have straightforward, easy-to-learn tools at your disposal.

Always remember: This very moment offers the chance to transform our lives. There has never been, and there never will be, a time when we lack the ability to shape our future. ~ Steven Pressfield

Here are three suggestions to help you engage with your child effectively.

Take Time to Listen and Understand

Many parents rush to find solutions to problems, which is completely understandable. When my child faced addiction, I sought help as swiftly as possible. 

Naturally, during this time, I hoped to discover something that would make a difference. 

Although my family is in a better place now, it would have been beneficial to grasp why the substance use initiated in the first place.

It’s crucial to understand what your child might be gaining from their drug use. This is one way to engage with them during tough times.

Some parents have observed that their child feels more relaxed, less anxious, or more easygoing while using substances. Others believe their child experiences increased connections and less loneliness.

Often, our children are grappling with pain for various reasons. It’s vital to empathize with them and strive for deeper insight.

Ensure your child knows that you understand their experiences and that you genuinely care about their emotions.

Here are four questions to consider to gain better insights into why your child is using substances:

• “What do you think your child enjoys about substance use?
• “Who typically accompanies your child when they use?”
• “Are you aware of your child’s thoughts just before they use?”
• “What emotions do you think your child experiences before or during their use?”

Engage in Positive Conversations with Your Child

Positive communication is another effective way to engage. It increases the likelihood of achieving your desired outcomes and fosters satisfaction for everyone involved.

Consider these seven positive communication techniques when talking to your child.

You don’t need to apply all of these tips to every conversation, but they can be helpful to keep in mind.

1. Keep It Brief  [Be concise and straightforward.] 

Remember the teacher from Charlie Brown who endlessly droned on? My kids have certainly tuned me out at times, and yours might too. When you make your point clearly and quickly, it’s more effective. Saying something once is a suggestion, but repeating the same point can come off as nagging.

2. Focus on Positivity  [Always seek the bright side.]

It may be a challenge to find something positive when your child makes poor choices. Always look for opportunities to see the silver lining in each circumstance. Reflect on how to transform a negative situation into a positive one.

3. Be Clear and Specific [Focus on one issue.]

When you state your concerns clearly and precisely, you have a better chance of being understood. Concentrate on one particular issue rather than discussing multiple topics at once. Highlight the behaviors you desire to change. 

4. Express Your Emotions [I feel…  ] 

Sharing your emotions can be helpful. For instance, I felt a bit frustrated the other day when I said to myself, “I’m feeling frustration.” Acknowledging your feelings can help them dissipate. If you express your feelings to your child, it helps regulate your emotions.

5. Offer Empathy [I understand why …  ] 

Share experiences from your youth when you felt similarly to your child. Letting your child know you’ve had similar feelings can create a connection and demonstrate your empathy for their struggles.

6. Acknowledge Shared Responsibility  [I recognize this is partly my fault because … ] 

Taking ownership of a part of the problem can make a significant difference in how your child perceives the situation.
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Understanding the Struggles of Parenting: Parenting can indeed be tough, especially when facing issues like substance use. It’s important to remember, however, that you are not responsible for your child’s choices. Recognizing that childhood isn’t always perfect helps remind you that you’re not alone in this journey.

7. Offer Your Support[I’d like to….]

Simply asking, “How can I assist?” can really show your willingness to help and provide support.

Focus on Your Child’s Strengths

Recognizing and reinforcing positive behaviors is crucial, especially when dealing with a child’s substance misuse. It’s easy to overlook positives when focused solely on the negative aspects of addiction. However, positive reinforcement is a powerful tool.

Robert Meyers emphasizes in his book, Get Your Loved One Sober, that the main objectives are to (1) enhance your life quality and (2) make sobriety more appealing to your loved one than substance use.

“Rewarding” your child for avoiding substance use or displaying positive actions can help promote good behavior, leading to a more harmonious home life.

Through positive reinforcement, you create an opportunity for hope, empowerment, and understanding, which can be invaluable when worried about your child’s actions.

Here are some practical tips for positive reinforcement:

• Identify healthy behaviors you wish to acknowledge and select a suitable reward that you can offer. Starting with verbal praise can be a great option.
• Keep rewards small. Simple gestures like a hug or a smile can be meaningful for children of all ages.
• Make sure the rewards are appropriate for your child’s age and have true value to them.
• Provide rewards immediately after the desired behavior occurs, or as close to it as possible.
• Avoid offering rewards beforehand with the expectation of future good behavior; instead, focus on genuine reinforcement.
• Be excited about the process and ensure goals are realistic for your child. If you start to feel overwhelmed or frustrated, take a step back to regain a positive perspective.
• Change up the rewards. Rewards like a hug, a small coffee gift card, or a fun outing together can be memorable for your child.
• Keep a record of the positive behaviors and rewards you provide.

Lastly, don’t forget to reward yourself. Create a list of small treats or activities that you can enjoy when you feel you deserve it. You can even acknowledge yourself for reinforcing your child positively.

Dealing with substance use can be overwhelming. By approaching your child’s behavior with positivity and hope, you can foster a healthier environment for both of you, increasing the chances of positive change.

Now it’s your turn. How can you positively support your child during difficult times?