In light of recent political changes and a volatile cultural atmosphere, many women in the U.S. are feeling unsure about their roles in society. This discomfort has sparked an increased interest in South Korea’s 4B movement, which takes a strong stance advocating for abstaining from sex, dating, marriage, and motherhood with men. Formulated as a communal response, the 4B movement courageously challenges established norms, calling for accountability from both men and policy makers.
As a therapist, I would suggest considering whether this movement might serve as an invitation for deeper introspection. Instead of merely embracing a rigid set of guidelines, approach it as a chance to explore your own feelings. What are your true needs? Where do you draw the line for your personal boundaries? Which decisions contribute genuine meaning, joy, or freedom in your life? By directing attention inward, the “4 No’s” can transform from a strict declaration into an enlightening journey of self-discovery and independence. This isn’t about alienating men—it’s about reclaiming your sense of self.
What does this look like on a personal level?
Are you open to embracing any of the “No’s”? Absolutely. Take a moment to reflect quietly and ask yourself: Do I wish to withdraw from certain relationships or situations involving men? If the answer is yes, what motivates that choice—or what holds you back?
I often encourage my clients to delve into the reasons behind their decisions. Now, I invite you to do the same. If you’re considering taking a step back from interactions with men, think about the underlying reasons. Genuine motivation—stemming from your own insights rather than from societal pressure—is more likely to lead to transformative changes. Imagine someone stating, “I’m opting for the 4B approach for the time being to reconnect with myself, shift my focus away from men, and revisit a passion I’ve neglected in past relationships.” This is a well-considered, empowered choice that enhances personal control. It’s not about missing out; it’s about being intentional. This mindset paves the way for exploration, curiosity, and new opportunities.
Conversely, if your motivation is based on external factors—such as, “If I withhold sex, my partner (or men) will change their behavior,” or, “I want my partner (or men) to finally appreciate my feelings”—you may be on unstable ground. Expecting others to react in the way we desire can be uncertain. We cannot control how someone else will interpret, feel, or respond to our choices. Meaningful empowerment begins with looking within, clarifying our own needs, and pursuing personal happiness without relying on someone else’s acknowledgment or acceptance. Let’s examine some factors concerning each of the “No’s.”
No Sex
In my practice, I have heard countless accounts of unwanted advances, inappropriate remarks, and assaults. I often encounter discussions around the “orgasm gap,” a significant discrepancy in sexual satisfaction that frequently impacts women negatively. This gap indicates the difference in how often men and women experience orgasms, making it understandable why numerous women are reassessing or choosing to abstain from sex with men. Some women might still be in the process of discovering their own bodies or how to experience pleasure on their own terms. Others may carry societal expectations that frame sex primarily around male satisfaction. Many times, I have clients ask me, “Isn’t sex over when he’s finished?”
For some women, taking time to explore—be it through masturbation, watching erotic content, interacting with other women, or attending live performances—can become essential for understanding their true desires. Others may find that a period of celibacy is necessary to reclaim control over their sexuality. Regardless of the form this self-exploration takes, it’s crucial to reflect on, “What significance does sex hold in my life? How do I want my connection with sex to evolve?”
This introspective process may lead to boundaries around sex that faithfully represent your needs—perhaps waiting until the 7th, 10th, or even 30th date, or opting to wait until marriage. Alternatively, it might mean assessing sexual compatibility early in the relationship. Perhaps it’s about reestablishing intimacy with your current partner in fresh, engaging, and connected ways. Whatever path you choose, ensure it is guided by your personal values and needs, rather than responding to the desires of others. This illustrates what it means to reclaim your empowerment.
No Dating and No Marriage (Addressing dating and marriage together as they represent a continuum of partnership.)
In my practice, I often hear single women express satisfaction with their lives, indicating that if a man enters the picture, he must add real value to their experience. A lackluster presence simply doesn’t meet their standards, and anyone who undermines their happiness is not an option. More and more, women find it challenging to encounter extraordinary men, leading many to opt for staying single as the more fulfilling choice.
Choosing to delay or abstain from serious relationships allows women a unique opportunity to focus solely on their own desires, free from the influences of others’ expectations. This time alone can enable a woman to deeply explore her identity and envision a life that aligns entirely with her own values, dreams, and passions. It is a time for liberation and self-affirmation, prioritizing personal growth before engaging in new relationships.
As women mature, many have experienced significant relationships or marriage, leading them to take a break from new romantic involvements for various reasons. Their past experiences provide clearer insights into what they seek in a partner. Following the end of a partnership, remaining single often becomes a pivotal time for healing and self-discovery. Without the demands of a relationship, they are discovering new interests—be it dance, tennis, ceramics, or self-defense classes. Throughout this time, they find themselves equipped with heightened opportunities for pursuing genuinely gratifying passions.
As women enter midlife and beyond (or earlier, if fortunate), achieving financial stability and having strong social ties often support their independence. Considering a male partner is only on the table if he brings significant value to their life. This solo phase allows many women the opportunity to foster meaningful friendships, bond with family, and take on roles such as aunt or godmother, building a rich life founded on relationships that hold true significance.
Childfree Choices
A woman’s wish to have children is often deeply influenced by cultural factors, whether they stem from family traditions or societal pressures. By choosing not to have children, women may be rejecting the responsibilities of motherhood as a way to distance themselves from the disrespect they perceive towards this role, especially in patriarchal societies like South Korea, where the 4B movement emerged. In such settings, women’s roles are typically restrictive and often unpleasant, focusing on submission, domestic duties, and exclusion from power. In contrast, the U.S. offers slightly more freedom, though some expectations still exist.
Opting to postpone or skip motherhood in the U.S. can pave the way for uninterrupted career advancement, which is particularly advantageous in a workforce largely designed around male career paths. Not having children can free up time and space for women to focus on higher education, career progress, and personal goals—endeavors that can be difficult to pursue while juggling family responsibilities.
Ultimately, this decision emphasizes your own needs—not those of children or a partner, but just you. For countless women, this journey leads to success and is also an empowering act of self-investment.
How Can I Join In if I Have a Partner and Kids?
A common question from women is, “How can I support this movement while already having a partner and kids?” This question reveals a sincere desire to connect with other women, acknowledge their journeys, and explore new avenues without dismantling their established lives.
In reality, standing in solidarity doesn’t mean starting from scratch. It can be about creating a space for yourself within your current life. Reflect on: What do I need to feel more connected to my own goals? How can I foster a sense of belonging with other women while promoting my personal growth?
With a male partner or children, your involvement in this movement may appear quite different. You might not feel ready or able to completely change your relationship dynamics or parenting approach, yet you may be dissatisfied with how things stand at home right now. At the heart of the 4B movement is the idea of establishing boundaries.
For women with male partners or children, engaging in this movement likely begins with identifying and asserting boundaries in their current relationships. Is your sex life satisfying for both partners? Are responsibilities within parenting and household chores fairly shared? What about carving out personal time for yourself or addressing the emotional tasks of your relationship and home management? It’s not about dismissing what you’ve built—rather, it’s about enhancing it, making room for the evolving you.
How Can I Enhance My Personal Growth?
The 4B movement focuses on reclaiming agency—moving away from centering men in one’s life, not as a form of rejection, but as a conscious choice to promote autonomy, satisfaction, and self-direction.
As you delve into which “No’s” are beneficial for you, think about timeframes—how long are you willing to uphold your “No”? After a big breakup, for instance, it could feel right to refrain from dating, intimate relationships, or dating for an entire year. Or maybe a few months is all you need to reconnect with yourself. If you have been single for a while, you might choose to remain in that state more intentionally. Whatever your situation, your ideal timeline is unique to you.
Consider applying elements of the SMART framework—Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely—to shape your strategy. Choose one or several “No’s” that resonate deeply with you. Define what each means and how it will benefit you, ensuring that your goals are intentional and feasible. Establish a timeline that feels suitable—remembering that it can be adjusted along the way. Ideally, your participation in the 4B movement will enable you to create space, acknowledge your needs, and reclaim your story on your own terms. Value yourself and transform your frustration into the creation of a richly fulfilling life.
Always remember to respect your female friends’ choices—whether they decide to embrace all four “No’s,” just one, or none at all. Supporting one another is crucial, and despite our different paths, let’s refrain from turning against each other. Coming together—in support, connection, and love—is the most powerful action we can take.