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When faced with challenges, the initial instinct is often to escape or dismiss uncomfortable feelings. This is a common reaction. However, with consistent practice, we can learn to seek refuge in safe environments—or meditation areas—to confront these emotions instead. A fundamental aspect of mindfulness is embracing whatever arises, rather than burying feelings or fleeing from internal struggles.
In this brief video, founding editor Barry Boyce responds to our inquiries regarding emotional health and the importance of acknowledging our feelings.
Q&A with Mindful Founding Editor Barry Boyce
Releasing Our Emotions
Q: If we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, isn’t there a fear that we won’t be able to regain control over them? If we have been avoiding our feelings for a considerable time, could it be overwhelming? What advice would you give?
A: The anxiety that our emotions might engulf and dominate our lives is a key reason many of us resort to mindless distractions. The most important step is to treat ourselves kindly, repeatedly. Mindfulness is not about forcefully battling our emotions. If we have been burying feelings for a prolonged period, mindfulness will gradually bring them to our consciousness. The essential guidance is to acknowledge them and continue moving forward. When emotions resurface, perhaps mere seconds later, we should apply the same approach. This method of incremental engagement, moment by moment, diminishes the emotional weight by breaking it down into manageable pieces instead of viewing it as a substantial, unchangeable burden.
It’s unwise to push ourselves to the limit in pursuit of freedom or understanding.
While easy to express, applying this requires persistent gentle effort—combined with self-compassion—to simply touch the emotion and let it be. If the feelings are too overwhelming, seeking support from a friend or counselor may be necessary. It’s unwise to push ourselves to the limit in pursuit of freedom or understanding. Take it easy. If you’re hurting, address the hurt or find someone who can assist with healing.
Eventually, when we feel more secure, we can delve deeper into our emotional terrain, benefiting from the ongoing awareness we’ve cultivated. However, this constitutes more of an inquiry and awareness practice rather than pure mindfulness.
Coping Strategies and Emotion Suppression
Q: At times, ignoring our feelings can serve as a coping mechanism during stressful periods. Is it possible to suppress our feelings occasionally while allowing ourselves to experience them at other times? Is the notion of “not suppressing emotions” absolute?
A: This is an insightful and nuanced question. As previously mentioned, the most crucial aspect is to continually show kindness to ourselves. Therefore, when emotions start to feel overwhelming, we can acknowledge them by saying, “I see you there, but now is not the right moment for this.” You might find yourself doing this frequently. This response doesn’t equate to suppressing the emotion; instead, you’re recognizing and validating it. Touch it, then move on. That’s the essence of mindfulness.
When emotions become overwhelming, we can respond with, “Yes, I know you’re there, but now is not the time for me to go there.”
By noticing the emotion like this, you effectively decrease its capacity to overwhelm you. Conversely, actively trying to push the feeling away can intensify its hold.
Is Emotional Intelligence a Privilege?
Q: For some, developing emotional intelligence may seem impractical or even extravagant. How can we apply emotional intelligence in our daily lives?
A: To understand why emotional intelligence is not a luxury, it helps to define what it entails. The Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence outlines that the term originated when emotion researchers Peter Salovey and John Mayer recognized that emotional understanding had no place in traditional intelligence theories. This prompted them to create a framework highlighting “the ability to recognize, understand, utilize, and regulate emotions effectively in everyday life.” Their influential paper, published in 1990, introduced the concept of emotional intelligence, which gained traction over time, with various leaders in the field advocating for further advancements. Dan Goleman’s 1995 bestseller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ contributed significantly to popularizing this concept. When Google initiated its mindfulness program, Search Inside Yourself, in 2007, it underscored the importance of emotional intelligence, believing that mindfulness and compassion practices enhance this skill.
When we struggle to recognize and manage our emotions effectively, it not only causes internal distress but impacts those around us. Reducing this pain doesn’t constitute impracticality; it’s essential for our well-being.
How can we cultivate emotional intelligence in our lives? From a mindfulness perspective, the key habit is to pause. This pause interrupts the automatic flow of emotions, allowing us to observe how they manifest within us. As we practice this more frequently—frequent mindfulness exercises enhance this pause—the choices we make regarding how we express and react to our emotions will become more considered and intelligent. When we do act impulsively and create complications, we can recognize and learn from those situations, rather than blindly following our emotions.
In the April 2019 edition of Mindful, we showcased Dena Simmons, assistant director at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. The center’s director, Marc Brackett, recently published Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, reviewed on mindful.org.
Men and Emotional Wellness
Q: Many men are conditioned to believe that crying or expressing emotions is weak. How can we help transform this mindset in ourselves and others?
A: At a basic level, when a man or boy appears to be holding back tears, a gentle…
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Let others know that it’s perfectly acceptable to cry. Sometimes, just a brief word or a simple gesture can express that understanding without needing to delve into complex explanations. Being a good listener and providing warmth can significantly help someone feel safe enough to express their feelings. It’s important to respond without labeling their emotions as inappropriate.
Addressing gender stereotypes on a larger scale raises significant questions that extend beyond personal mindfulness. The way children are raised and educated about gender roles has been thoroughly examined and is foundational to various programs aimed at promoting social change. One notable initiative is The Representation Project, founded by Jennifer Seibel Newsom, who is the wife of California’s current governor.
Her documentary Miss Representation addresses how girls are conditioned to perceive gender in limiting ways, while The Mask You Live In “documents boys and young men as they navigate their true selves amid America’s strict definitions of masculinity,” according to The Representation Project’s website. Newsom’s latest film, The Great American Lie, highlights a societal obsession with a specific set of masculine values that are often regarded as superior to feminine ones. She has spoken about these topics multiple times at the Wisdom 2.0 conference. The Mask You Live In features insights from Ashanti Branch, who is also one of the educators involved in Mindful’s Mindful30 challenge. These films are available for screenings by schools and groups interested in gender education.
How to Evaluate Your Emotional Maturity
Mastering the language of emotional maturity is akin to learning a new language. If you weren’t exposed to it during your upbringing, it might require countless hours to fully grasp.
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