“`html
By Tian Dayton, Ph.D.
The term codependency struck a chord when it first entered our common language. It originated from the twelve-step terminology “co-addict,” which described the spouse of an addict. However, since that label didn’t fully capture the experience, it evolved into “codependent.” This term emerged from grassroots efforts to define the situation spouses found themselves in—deeply intertwined with an addict through marriage, parenthood, and shared daily life.
The Rise of Codependency in Popular Culture
Imagine the mid-1980s, a time when many flocked to conferences, twelve-step meetings, or began reading up on codependency. There was a vague understanding that this concept somehow applied to them. Those of us working in the addiction sector noticed that people were resonating with the family dynamics surrounding addiction—blurring boundaries, personal identity confusion, and an unhealthy closeness. This backdrop gave rise to the phenomenon of adult children of alcoholics/addicts. However, people began to adopt the term codependency for various reasons.
With a slightly humorous twist, it became challenging to discern whether codependency referred specifically to addicted families or anyone who grew up in the 1950s. Did the conventional lifestyles and the social upheaval of the 1960s induce a sort of identity crisis? Were all of our parents struggling with alcoholism?
Did this unclear sense of identity resonate with everyone, or were there identifiable reasons behind it that warranted exploration and resolution?
Defining Codependency
Over time, the definition of codependency has somewhat diluted.
Now, it broadly encompasses behavioral patterns—phrases like “I was really codependent last night” or “I’m codependent with my daughter” are common. However, this catch-all term often strays from its more serious origins. Codependency has transformed into a label akin to “neurotic,” describing how we function within ourselves rather than in relationships.
Should we accept this broadening of meaning due to widespread identification, or is it worthwhile to dissect the term and understand its roots? What concepts remain relevant today? Let’s clarify the researched perspectives on its beginnings and developments.
Different Forms of Codependency
Codependency manifests in various relationships, including parent-child, partner-partner, spouse-spouse, and coworker-boss dynamics, each exhibiting different levels of severity. Recognizing the signs of codependent behavior is crucial for identifying unhealthy situations. Below are three types of codependency present in relationships.
Relationships Featuring Addiction
In relationships where addiction is involved, it can mimic situations of infidelity, as addiction often becomes the primary source of affection for one partner. Even if the other individual is unaware of the addiction, discovering it can lead to feelings of betrayal.
Symptoms such as lying, making promises, threatening, pleading, or withdrawing can create dysfunctional communication patterns. As a result, one may start accommodating the other person’s addiction to maintain a sense of order and avoid conflict, leading to the development of codependent traits.
Relationships Marked by Abuse
When abuse surfaces in a relationship, a power imbalance is established. Often, the abused partner downplays the severity of the abuse, leading to relational patterns that appease the abuser. This dynamic fosters increased feelings of shame and secrecy, nurturing a codependent relationship.
Relationships Based on Validation
In some relationships, one partner seeks constant validation from the other. This behavior often stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. Unlike the previous two forms rooted in physical or emotional suffering, this type of codependency is rooted in one person’s values and choices.
The Link Between Codependency and Trauma
Recent research on attachment and trauma sheds light on the evolution of codependency issues. Notably, from a trauma perspective, codependency can be viewed as a form of hyper-vigilance that arises from anxiety surrounding deep relational connections. In my book, Emotional Sobriety, I discuss this in the chapter “Codependency Revisited” by stating:
How Fear Influences the Brain and Emotional Awareness
“When we experience fear, our left brain, which processes language, can become overwhelmed and shut down. However, our right brain, responsible for emotional awareness, goes into overdrive. This hyper-vigilance, when we feel scared, is a significant factor in the development of codependency. Children who encounter relational trauma often learn that they can mitigate distress by focusing intently on the emotional signals of others (van der Kolk, 1997). They may become adept at interpreting others’ moods, frequently at the expense of tuning into their own feelings, leading to an outer-focused mindset that disconnects them from their inner world.
The Impact of Chronic Fear on Personal Development
The crucial aspect of developing a sense of self is that when we are scared, we lose access to our thinking abilities—where we process events, understand our emotions, and consolidate our sense of self in relation to others. Therefore, remaining in a constant state of fear disrupts our personal development.
Codependents often spend considerable time managing their surroundings to reduce anxiety, neglecting their ability to navigate their inner world.
How Codependency Forms
From an attachment perspective, infants enter the world needing to bond tightly with their caregivers—not only for comfort but for survival. They are like turtles flipped on their backs, flailing their limbs. If they cry out and receive no response, they interpret it as life-threatening, feeling alone and unheard. This is the initial stage of codependency.
The Consequences of Unmet Early Needs
At its core, codependency can take root very early in life. It arises from a fear that our overwhelming need to connect with primary caregivers will not be reciprocated. This fear cultivates significant anxiety. Babies look into their parents’ faces to assess if they are safe—safe from the world (since their parent represents their world) and safe within themselves.
“““html
When children perceive their parents’ thoughts and emotions about them as reflections of their own self-worth, they become dependent on their parents for validation and acceptance. The way a child looks for love and reassurance from their parents can lead to feelings of rejection and disengagement, leaving them deeply disheartened.
This is where it all starts.
Learning to Seek Approval
This discouraged child may develop a lifelong pattern aimed at transforming their parents’ negative demeanor into something positive. They will change their behavior in hopes of receiving smiles and affection in return. Their focus shifts toward external validation.
Initially, they will observe others’ reactions to adapt their behavior in order to reduce rejection and enhance acceptance. Consequently, they will learn to read people and situations for cues of approval or disapproval, adjusting their inner sense of self to conform.
Putting Others First Leads to Self-Neglect
This behavior is known as codependency.
It distorts our natural instinct to adjust ourselves to fit into a community. As social beings, we naturally desire to be in harmony with those around us. However, if those around us are unable to attune to us—if our primary caregiver’s mood dominates our environment—what options does a child have?
How to Overcome Codependency
Understanding codependency as a series of behaviors suggests that modifying these behaviors is the key to reducing our dependency.
Avoid Excessive Corrections
A common challenge in recovery and therapy is the tendency to over-correct. When we recognize our codependency (or when a therapist labels it), we might believe that distancing ourselves from normal, nurturing behaviors associated with intimacy and constructing rigid boundaries will resolve the issue. However, that’s not the answer.
Prioritize Depth Over Speed
This isn’t merely an intellectual challenge. Its roots run deep, and healing must dive deeply as well. Although society often pushes for quick fixes, a gradual approach can yield lasting results. If we embark on a genuine healing journey, each day can be a quiet acknowledgment of progress, emphasizing the importance of avoiding ineffective, repetitive cycles.
Revisit the Origins of Codependency
Behavioral changes play a role in recovery, but it can also be beneficial to explore the origins of emotional codependency in light of modern neuroscience. Reflecting on our childhood experiences and parenting styles can shed light on our tendencies to seek approval. If we grew up in an environment filled with fear, we might have learned to please others rather than focusing on our own needs. While seeking connection is instinctual, it becomes problematic when we prioritize others’ needs over our own.
Reconstruct Your Self-Identity in Relationships
Overcoming codependency involves gradually rebuilding a strong sense of self while fostering healthy relationships. This process acknowledges that blaming others or ourselves is not the solution. Healing occurs by nurturing that vulnerable child within us, allowing ourselves to express emotions, and forgiving both ourselves and others for our imperfections.
It also entails embracing kindness and positivity in those hidden areas that need healing, while appreciating the beauty of our lives. This journey goes beyond mere physical survival; it is about nurturing our spirit as well.
References
Dayton, Tian, 2007, Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance, Deerfield Beach, Health Communications, HCI.
van der Kolk, B. A. 1987. Psychological Trauma. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press.
The post Codependency: What’s It All About? appeared first on Meadows Behavioral Healthcare.
“`