Are you hiding any secrets?
Do you want to better understand why your child might be hiding things from you?
If you’ve been concealing a few secrets, know that you’re not the only one.
According to Michael Slepian from Columbia University, most individuals carry at least one secret. On average, people hold around 13 secrets.
Secrecy often plays a significant role in addiction, and it can be damaging.
Slepian notes, “Research indicates a connection between secrecy and increased anxiety, depression, worsening health, and even a faster progression of illness. The reason for these negative effects is clear: keeping secrets is exhausting. You must be cautious about your words, and if you’re questioned about something related to the secret, you may have to dodge or even deceive. Constantly guarding your secret can be draining.”
For instance, Susan is a mother with concerns about her 22-year-old son, who is in recovery but has faced relapse. One of her major frustrations is his tendency to keep secrets. He often avoids telling the truth or conceals information that she needs to know, leaving her puzzled about the reasons for his secretive behavior.
It’s common for individuals to lie about their addiction or hide the consequences of their actions, such as losing a job or failing a test. If your child feels shame or fear, they might choose to keep their experiences private.
Clinical psychologist Nando Pelusi explains, “When someone hides an addiction or compulsive behavior, it often stems from a feeling of helplessness: Since I can’t manage this, I can’t reveal my secret as others will see how weak I am. Or, I can’t live without this habit, or I can’t enjoy my life if others know about it. Such beliefs can paralyze you. However, scrutinizing and reframing your secret can change your perspective, allowing you to perceive it within a broader context. Instead of dismissing it, you can release it from being a source of shame or a barrier to connecting with others.”
However, if your struggling child chooses to share their secret, they must first recognize their substance use problem and confront the pain they have been reluctant to admit.
As parents, we, too, harbor secrets. Concealing our children’s substance use or other difficulties can be one of our most significant secrets.
Here are some reflections on how keeping secrets can impact you.
The Impact of Secrets.
Addiction can have various effects on your life. When secrets are held, both you and your child pay a price.
Secrets are things you want to keep hidden from others. They involve a conscious effort to shield certain actions from those around you. As long as something remains unknown to someone, it qualifies as a secret.
Secrets can pertain to mental health and numerous other subjects.
The stress doesn’t just come from the moment you have to hide a secret; it also comes from the ongoing thoughts you have about it.
Your solitary contemplation of the secret weighs heavily on you. The real challenge lies not in the act of concealing it but in living with it alone.
In Carline Flora’s piece, How Secrets Can Destroy a Relationship, “Numerous studies link secret-keeping with health issues: secret-keepers often experience more headaches, nausea, and back pain, and they have higher instances of hypertension and other illnesses, such as trauma-related conditions.”
Research indicates that even when individuals are not actively hiding a secret, the constant thought of it can be a significant source of stress. It creates a sense of burden. When you internalize a secret, it restricts your ability to process it effectively. Sharing it with someone else, rather than going it alone, is a healthier option.
Shame and Guilt
Keeping a secret often brings about feelings of shame and guilt. Understanding the distinction between these emotions is crucial. People feeling shame perceive themselves as inherently bad. Transitioning from the belief that one is bad to feeling good about oneself isn’t straightforward, which can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Brené Brown articulates, “Shame destroys the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
On the other hand, guilt enables you to recognize that your actions are wrong without equating it to being a bad person. It opens up possibilities for better choices in the future while allowing you to maintain a sense of self-worth. Guilt provides a healthier perspective and instills confidence in your ability to change.
Regardless of whether one feels guilt or shame, keeping a secret often prevents individuals from being their authentic selves around others.
Secrets Inflict Pain.
Maintaining a secret can distort a person’s sense of self.
Furthermore, you might feel that the secrets you hold could cause distress to family members. For instance, some parents avoid sharing too much about their challenges with their own parents, fearing that the burden of knowing what is happening with their grandchild might overwhelm them.
Some parents refrain from discussing tough family issues with younger children, believing it might confuse or traumatize them. However, having age-appropriate conversations can be beneficial.
For many young people, keeping secrets can facilitate their continued substance use.
Another reason behind their secrecy might be their awareness of your distress; they might want to spare you further pain. They may also have other things they’re uncomfortable sharing with you. Yet, when struggling with addiction, keeping that a secret often becomes a top priority.
What Can You Do?
Fostering an environment where your child feels comfortable confiding in you is essential. They need to feel secure to do so.
Modeling openness yourself can encourage your child to do the same. Being transparent instead of secretive will strengthen their willingness to share with you.
Regrettably, societal structures often reinforce secrecy.
As your child begins their journey to recovery, they might still be hesitant to share their past with unfamiliar individuals. Many people in recovery tend to conceal their histories.
Your child might feel compelled to keep their old life a secret from employers, new friends, or certain family members, creating hidden stress.
You can assist your child in feeling more at ease discussing their recovery or feelings regarding their addiction if they find it hard to talk to anyone else.
Seek Help with Your Secret.
What truly causes harm is not just having a secret but enduring it in isolation. Holding on to secrets can hinder your ability to initiate meaningful change.
At times, opening up to family or friends about your secrets can be quite uncomfortable. However, discussing issues with a neutral party, like a counselor, coach, or support group, can be very beneficial.
If necessary, an outside party can assist you in handling any kept secrets more effectively. The aim is to incorporate these secrets into regular discussions. Seek guidance from others. Find someone who can support you and help you make progress.
You’ll likely feel more relaxed and joyful once you stop holding onto secrets.
While many of us recognize that engaging with others is a healthier alternative, people often hesitate to reach out and instead attempt to manage their issues alone.
However, a neutral perspective can help you identify the next logical steps and facilitate your progression.
Reach out to someone you trust.
The choice of whom you confide in about your secrets is crucial. Individuals tend to feel more comfortable sharing with someone who they perceive as compassionate, caring, and kind. Also, a person who can support you in taking action after understanding your issue is invaluable. As long as they are supportive, it’s better to open up rather than keep the secret to yourself.
Consider seeking out someone trustworthy who can be helpful. Research by Slepian indicates that even a mild reaction can be perceived as beneficial and uplifting. Look for a person who can engage in that valuable conversation with you, maintain confidentiality, and leave you feeling better after sharing your thoughts.
Trusting someone with your secret is a significant gesture. Most people appreciate being a source of support and find it rewarding.
Having difficult discussions is challenging, but putting them off only complicates matters. Find someone who can help you devise a plan to move forward constructively.
Other individuals can serve as great resources. Speaking with someone who understands your concerns can feel like a burden has been lifted off your shoulders.
There are healthier ways to handle your challenges instead of keeping them hidden. Talking with someone you trust can lighten your load.
Explore research-backed resources designed to assist you in compassionately supporting your child, paving the way for positive change.
You might want to look into my book, The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Addiction.
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