I empathize with parents who are just starting this difficult journey, especially when they encounter phrases like “detach with love” while their children face challenges with alcohol or drug abuse.
They experience profound pain, mixed with feelings of frustration, fear, and anger about their circumstances.
Parents are bombarded with unfamiliar terms such as codependent, enabler, “hitting rock bottom,” and powerlessness, all while trying to guide their children towards healthier choices. These terms can be confusing and make parents feel ashamed as they endeavor to help their kids move away from substance use and towards better lives.
Such labels can be detrimental, potentially leading parents to feel hopeless and view themselves as the problem just because they have been labeled as codependent or enabling.
These terms contribute to the stigma and shame experienced by parents as they witness their children’s decline into substance abuse.
Detach with love
As parents, we have nurtured our children since the day they were born. We celebrated their first crawls and strides, guiding them into school for the first time. We’ve dedicated our weekdays and weekends to driving them to various activities like swimming, soccer, or gymnastics. We baked birthday cakes and hosted sleepovers, supporting their growth through middle and high school.
Somewhere along the line, they may have veered off course—whether due to peer pressure, injuries, self-esteem issues stemming from mental health concerns or learning disabilities, or the absence of a father figure. There are countless reasons that might lead our children to substance use.
Now, we’re advised to detach from them, as if turning our backs will somehow solve the problem. It seems unfair, especially given the stress of addiction.
Letting go of our children is an added strain; how can we assist if we limit our communication? Yet, that’s the common advice we receive.
A more constructive approach would be to stay connected and engage in positive conversations. This doesn’t mean condoning their substance use but rather offering support as they strive for recovery.
What is an enabler?
The term “enabler” often describes family members who attempt to support their loved ones in becoming sober or initiating positive change.
Enabling occurs when you engage in behaviors that inadvertently support substance use. For example, some parents might give money that’s used for drugs or alcohol or might call a child’s employer to excuse their absence.
However, it’s possible to show kindness and recognize when your child is doing positive things. Acknowledging their good behaviors is not enabling; it promotes their recovery.
While it’s tough when they stay out late or return home impaired, failing to recognize their progress means missing crucial opportunities.
Also, it’s important to maintain boundaries. Establishing these boundaries can be hard for any parent who wishes to protect their child from suffering. But when parents compromise and fail to enforce consequences, it erodes respect on both sides.
The common advice about “hitting rock bottom.”
Any parent trying to assist a child with substance use has likely encountered the advice that they must let their child “hit rock bottom.”
However, with the staggering number of over 100,000 overdoses annually, I urge you to reconsider this guidance.
One mother I spoke with felt compelled to go against this advice. When she picked her son up from a homeless shelter, he was in dire circumstances. She is relieved that she trusted her instincts, believing that he might not have survived without her intervention.
There is no concrete evidence supporting the idea that allowing our kids to hit rock bottom is effective. We cannot justify such an approach. While it may have worked for some individuals, we cannot ignore the countless others who may have suffered from this misguided advice.
Though the “tough love” approach may work for select families, it is typically a short-term fix. Many cases emphasize the possibility of worsening situations when children are left to fend for themselves, which can lead to active depression or suicidal thoughts compounded by feelings of familial rejection alongside struggles with substance use.
Powerlessness can be a path to hopelessness
I cannot think of any other challenge where individuals are told that surrendering their strength is the path to change. In fact, it should be the opposite. We can empower our children and ourselves through knowledge, allowing us to take actionable steps toward better lives.
Successful individuals embrace empowerment. When we leverage our understanding of ourselves and our capabilities, we foster self-empowerment, which allows us to make constructive life choices.
On the other hand, feeling powerless can trap individuals in a victim mindset, compelling them to passively accept the fallout of their dependencies.
Psychologist Martin Seligman, a pioneer in contemporary positive psychology, identified that feeling powerless can lead to a phenomenon known as “learned helplessness.”
Empowerment nurtures health and well-being for both ourselves and our children.
If you are new to supporting your child in making positive choices, approach conventional “wisdom” with careful consideration. The terms you might hear, like detaching with love, may be difficult to navigate. It might be more valuable to focus on evidence-based concepts that encourage meaningful progress for both you and your child.
Take gradual steps—progress slowly. Do whatever you can for today. Treat yourself kindly to maintain resilience. Remember, you don’t need to have all the answers regarding what comes next. To assist both you and your child in taking subsequent steps, my book, The Compassion Antidote, addresses many of your pressing questions.
Lastly, maintain hope for your child’s future. Many have found recovery, and your child can too!
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