Personal Stories from Spouses of Those Battling Addiction
Navigating relationships with partners facing substance abuse can be incredibly challenging. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution; options like couples therapy, interventions, rehabilitation programs, and following a 12-step approach can help. To gain more insight, I spoke with people from diverse backgrounds, ages, and cultures across the nation about their experiences being married to individuals with addiction issues.
S.P., a mother of four and a former military member, shares how she met her ex-husband while stationed in Germany. “I met [my ex] in 1974 while we were both on duty. At my base, many soldiers were using heroin. However, that changed when women were allowed in, and drug use decreased. We completed our service but I returned home first.” After they parted ways, she explains, “He relapsed into drug use, got arrested, and served time in Leavenworth. After his release, we married and had four children, during which I overlooked much of his addictive behavior. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter also became a severe addict, knowing about his issues.” After 36 years of marriage, S.P. made the decision to divorce.
Kacie recounts her lifelong battle with complex trauma from witnessing abuse and addiction as a child, which led her to accept unhealthy relationship dynamics. “My past relationships have been consistently flawed… When I hoped to find a life partner, I sought the same kind of love and passion I had seen, rather than focusing on self-love.” She reflects on her first relationship at 20 with a heroin addict: “He was absent for my infant son.” They married because Kacie felt the need to belong, but this led to codependency and ultimately, the relationship failed with her partner abandoning her.
Kacie’s second relationship lasted for 12 years with a man suffering from alcoholism, resulting in another child. Things escalated to violence, culminating in multiple domestic violence charges, until her young son encouraged her to leave. Currently, Kacie is married to a caring man, but he also battles alcoholism. Two years ago, she urged him to enter rehab, a decision that altered their lives dramatically. Before beginning treatment, he was hit by a car while meeting a friend to drink. Kacie now cares for him as he grapples with both addiction and a traumatic brain injury (TBI), which dramatically changed their life together. When asked if she plans to remain in the relationship, she responds, “My personal growth challenges my commitment to the marriage… I don’t love my husband as a partner anymore; I value him as a person.”
Jay highlights that addiction manifests in various forms that can cripple relationships, recounting his own experience, “My ex-wife was addicted to video games… she even changed her name to her character’s name in World of Warcraft. She became so immersed in that world that it strained our marriage, causing financial issues as my income was drained due to her gaming expenses.”
Lastly, MaryAnne G. discusses the generational effects of addiction. Married for over 40 years, she describes how her husband has battled alcoholism (though now sober) and how addiction affected their son severely. “My son, who initially overcame addiction, turned to opioids for chronic pain relief when he lacked health insurance. Tragically, he passed away on December 28, 2019.” MaryAnne G. reflects that she spent years preparing herself to be a single mother, emphasizing that, “Forty years later, we are doing reasonably okay, but I still face PTSD from those years. Sometimes I wonder if I’d do it all over again.”
The Value of Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Self-Identity
These narratives highlight how crucial it is to establish healthy boundaries, encourage accountability, and avoid losing oneself to the role of a caregiver. Despite this wisdom, it’s not always easy to implement. Here are some reflective questions for partners and spouses to consider:
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Are you maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself?
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Are you allowing your loved ones to take responsibility for their actions?
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Do you seek professional help outside of your home?
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Are you giving yourself adequate time for self-care?
Being married to someone struggling with addiction doesn’t guarantee relationship failure. If you can affirmatively answer all the above questions, consider that a win, as it suggests your relationship still has hope.