POV: Your teenager dramatically slams the door, leaving you wondering what happened to the sweet, chubby-cheeked child you used to hold. The shifting dynamics between parents and children can create a whirlwind of emotions—from pride to nostalgia to confusion and sadness. Although you expected them to grow more independent, you didn’t anticipate feeling this lost in trying to stay connected and keep them on the right track. One of the toughest parts of parenting teens is finding the right balance between supporting their journey to independence and maintaining a healthy relationship with them.
Navigating teenage years can feel overwhelming due to emotions, conflicts, and possibly unfamiliar behaviors. If you notice concerning signs like substance abuse, self-harm, or isolation, it’s essential to seek professional help. However, here are five practical tips to enhance communication with your teen and strengthen your bond as you both navigate this phase.
Advice for Parents During the Teen Years
Establish boundaries with love.
Creating boundaries provides a safe framework for your teen’s growth and development. Ensure these boundaries are based on age-appropriate behaviors and deliver them with empathy, even when your teen struggles to reciprocate the same understanding. Parents who set and consistently enforce boundaries allow their teens to grow by making “safe” mistakes that teach valuable lessons through natural consequences.
Tip for parents: Prioritizing your own self-care and coping methods will help you remain emotionally balanced and ready to respond to your teenager’s challenges with both understanding and assertiveness.
Learn to affirm your child.
While you might not think that your 10 PM curfew is “unfair,” it’s important to acknowledge and affirm your teen’s desire to hang out with friends. According to the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, “Validation communicates to another person that their feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense to you in a given situation” (Rathus & Miller, 2015, p. 171). This skill not only helps others feel understood and less isolated, but it can also help defuse conflicts. And isn’t that crucial for preserving emotional connections with our teens?
Keep in mind that validating feelings does not mean agreeing with them; you can affirm their experiences while still maintaining your boundaries.
Give your teen the gift of independence.
According to renowned psychologist Erik Erikson, we all navigate eight developmental stages in our lives (Crain, 2011, pp. 283-297). During adolescence, the critical task is developing a personal identity and figuring out “one’s place in the bigger picture” (Crain, 2011, p. 291). It’s essential for teenagers to work on their identity and form strong peer connections to effectively navigate the challenges of adulthood.
Even though we understand this development, it can be difficult to accept when your teen seeks more space, questions your viewpoints, or prefers hanging out with friends. Remember, these behaviors are signs of healthy growth, so try not to take them to heart. Allowing your teen the freedom to explore interests on their own gives them the chance to build their self-identity. Likewise, prioritizing friendships helps your teen cultivate social networks, enhance social skills, and learn how to maintain healthy relationships.
*If your child appears excessively withdrawn or is spending time with peers who engage in risky behaviors, these could be warning signs that warrant further attention and potentially professional assistance.
Look for ways to build positive connections.
Engage in things they enjoy. Plan special outings together. Write them little notes. Be available. Affirm them. Be playful. While there will be times they might reject your efforts or dismiss them with attitude, don’t take it personally—give them space and try again later. Express your love for them and remind them that you’re there when they’re ready to connect.
Couples therapist Dr. John Gottman introduced the concept of the “Magic Ratio,” which suggests that healthy relationships typically have at least five positive interactions for every negative one (Benson, 2017). Although he focused primarily on couples, this ratio applies to forming strong connections with children as well. During a stage with increased parent-child conflicts, aim for more positive interactions than negative ones, remembering that YOU control YOUR actions. When conflicts arise, strive to approach these moments with validation, understanding, and compassion. A confrontation that might have ended in yelling can shift into a moment of genuine connection and acceptance.
Additionally, enhance positive interactions by choosing your battles wisely. Address behaviors that genuinely deviate from typical teen conduct, rather than scrutinizing every choice or mistake. For instance, engage in a serious talk regarding repeated substance use but choose to overlook issues like keeping their room tidy.
Be ready to make amends.
No one has it all figured out when it comes to parenting. We will stumble, and so will our teens. Disputes and misunderstandings aren’t only unavoidable—they’re also a healthy part of all relationships. Look at these imperfect moments as chances for bonding. A relational repair involves recognizing a misstep in your interactions and taking responsibility, including apologizing. This not only creates an opportunity to mend your relationship with your teen but also fosters a chance for a positive interaction (remember that 5:1 ratio) and serves as a way to model effective behavior. Especially at an age where lectures may go unheard, demonstrating wise behavior can be the most powerful lesson you can impart.
Taking steps to repair a rift demonstrates love and a willingness to acknowledge faults. It showcases emotional regulation and accountability, qualities we want to instill in our teens as they engage in healthy relationships.
References
Crain, W. (2011). Theories of development; Concepts and applications (6th ed.). Prentice Hall.
Rathus, J.H. & Miller, A.L. (2015). Dbt skills manual for adolescents. The Guildford Press.
Benson, K. (2017, October 4). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The
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