What’s guaranteed to make you feel more awkward than a fifth grader at their first co-ed school dance? It’s not unwrapping that suggestive gift at the white elephant gift exchange. It’s not Aunt Joan asking your significant other once again when you guys are finally going to put a ring on it. And it’s not even dropping the entire cookie tray on the floor as you walk through the front door. Nope, it’s someone walking up to you and loudly asking: “Why aren’t you drinking?” Your stomach tightens. Your mind races through possible responses. You want to honor your choice not to drink, but you also don’t want to make things weird or launch into a lengthy explanation about your journey. Setting alcohol boundaries with friends and family during the holidays? That’s the real challenge—and it feels ten times harder when everyone’s gathered around the eggnog bowl. feel okay. When we update the belief, the behavior has permission to change—often with far less effort.
If you’re navigating the holidays while changing your relationship with alcohol, you’re not alone in feeling this tension. The good news? You can set boundaries around alcohol AND maintain strong, loving relationships with the people who matter most.
In this post, we’re sharing conversation scripts, science-backed communication techniques, and practical strategies to help you create healthy holiday boundaries that feel authentic to you. Plus, we’re diving into wisdom from Episode 3 of our holiday podcast series, The Joy Edit, where Coach Hayley talks about communicating boundaries without guilt.
TL;DR: What You’ll Learn
This guide covers practical strategies for setting alcohol boundaries with friends and family, including ready-to-use conversation scripts, the difference between boundaries and standards (a game-changer), the science behind why boundaries feel so hard, and an action plan for navigating holiday gatherings with confidence. You’ll also learn why other people’s reactions usually have nothing to do with you—and everything to do with them.
Jump to What You Need:
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard (Especially During the Holidays)
Boundaries around alcohol can feel uncomfortable, especially during a season that practically revolves around champagne toasts and spiked eggnog.
As Coach Hayley shares in The Joy Edit, “I thought if I didn’t explain all of the reasons, someone would think that maybe I’m being dramatic or overreacting by choosing not to drink.” Many of us feel this exact pressure—like we need to justify our choice with a compelling enough story.
We’re conditioned from a young age to prioritize other people’s comfort over our own. As Annie Grace notes in her work, we live in a world where drinking alcohol is often more normal and accepted than not drinking. This cultural context means we’ve internalized the message that saying no requires an explanation, an excuse, or at minimum, an apology.
Research on social pressure shows that humans are wired for belonging. Our brains use mirror neurons to pick up on and mimic the emotions of those around us—a phenomenon called emotional contagence. When we go against the social norm (like turning down a drink), our nervous system can interpret this as a threat to our belonging, triggering that familiar anxiety.
We fear that our boundaries will damage our relationships. But Annie Grace teaches us something transformative: the opposite is actually true. Setting boundaries strengthens relationships, while avoiding them breeds resentment that kills connection.
Standards vs. Boundaries: A Game-Changing Framework
Understanding the difference between boundaries and standards will transform how you approach holiday gatherings.
Think of a boundary like a fence around your property. You put it up and tell people, “Don’t cross this line.” But what happens when someone crosses it anyway? You’re left frustrated, feeling disrespected, and often arguing about why they shouldn’t have done what they did.
Now think of a standard differently. A standard is about what YOU will do. It’s a contingency plan you completely control.
For example:
- Boundary: “Don’t yell at me when you’re drunk.”
- Standard: “I won’t be around when someone is yelling at me while drunk. If that happens, I will leave.”
See the difference? With a boundary, you’re trying to control someone else’s behavior. With a standard, you’re taking full ownership of your response.
As Annie Grace explains, “Your standard isn’t that I’m not going to be around when you are yelling at me and drunk, I will not be yelled at by a drunk person. That’s my standard. So they come over your fence. There they are. You leave.”
This shift matters because it removes the intensity and escalation that often happens when we feel our boundaries are being violated. Instead of engaging in a push-pull dynamic, you simply follow through on what you said you’d do—calmly and without drama.
Start the New Year with Clarity: Join the LIVE Alcohol Experiment
Kicking off January 1st — Want support putting these boundaries into practice? The LIVE Alcohol Experiment gives you everything you need to start the year feeling empowered, not restricted.
Here’s what you get for just $67:
- Science-backed daily videos that actually make sense of your drinking patterns
- Live Q&A every single day with certified coaches who get it
- A community of people who aren’t judging you—they’re right there with you
- Tools that work when you’re stressed, bored, or at a party
- Lifetime access to all daily content so you can revisit anytime
No guilt. No shame. No labels. Just 30 days of curiosity, community, and real change.
7 Essential Tips for Creating Healthy Holiday Boundaries Around Alcohol
Tip 1: Make It a Non-Issue by Not Wavering or Over-Explaining
The simplest way to turn down a drink? Don’t make it a big deal.
Annie Grace is clear about this: “Don’t say ‘ohh well I’m not really drinking right now, because…’ That makes it seem like an issue or something that needs excuses.”
When you over-explain, you’re unconsciously signaling that your decision needs defending. You’re opening a door for negotiation when there shouldn’t be one.
Conversation Scripts:
- “No thanks, I’m good!”
- “I’m not drinking anymore because I feel better without it.” [Full stop. No additional explanation.]
- “I stopped drinking.” [Said neutrally, as a simple fact]
Why it works: Remember what Annie Grace teaches—the conversation gets as much energy as you give it. You can make “No, thank you” a closing statement instead of an opening for debate. Your tone and confidence matter more than your words.
As Coach Hayley puts it, “When you start to explain or justify, you are unintentionally sending the message that you need approval. You don’t.”
Tip 2: Say Yes to Something Else (The Redirect)
One of Annie Grace’s favorite techniques is flipping the script entirely. Instead of focusing on what you’re saying no to, focus on what you’re saying yes to.
Conversation Scripts:
- “Yes, I’d love a sparkling water with lime!”
- “Yes, I’ll take an iced tea—I need a little pick-me-up.”
- “Absolutely! I’ll have a lemonade.”
- “Yes please, I’d love some kombucha if you have it.”
Why it works: Positive statements flow better than negative ones. You’re removing the discomfort of hearing “no” while still getting exactly what you want.
Annie Grace shares a great tip: “One of my favorite tricks is just to already have a drink in your hand. People don’t actually care what you’re drinking, they just care that you’re drinking because they assume it’s alcohol.”
This simple strategy—always having something in your hand—can eliminate most of the “can I get you a drink?” questions before they even happen.
Tip 3: Use the Appreciation + Redirect Technique
This approach combines emotional mirroring (showing empathy) with a gentle subject change. It acknowledges the offer without dwelling on it.
Conversation Scripts:
- “I really appreciate you thinking of me, but no thanks. How are YOU doing tonight?”
- “Thanks so much! I’m driving tonight though. Tell me about your holiday plans—are you traveling?”
- “That’s so kind of you to offer. I’m good for now. Have you tried the appetizers? They’re incredible!”
Why it works: Research on rapport building shows that expressing appreciation activates the same reward centers in someone’s brain as receiving a compliment. You’re making them feel good while seamlessly moving past the alcohol topic.
As Annie Grace notes, “Don’t dwell on it. Direct the conversation away from you by asking about the person, the cause, or anything that reframes the conversation.”
Coach Hayley adds practical advice: “Answer confidently, shift the conversation, and keep it moving. When you answer, ‘I’m not drinking,’ follow it with a question.”
Tip 4: Have the Differentiation Conversation (For Close Relationships)
For the people closest to you—the longtime drinking buddy, the friend who doesn’t understand why you’ve pulled back—a deeper conversation might be necessary.
Annie Grace teaches a powerful framework she calls “differentiation”—the ability to be yourself while staying connected to others. This is distinct from fusion (losing yourself in the relationship) or cutoff (severing the relationship entirely).
The Setup:
- Take the conversation OUT of the moment (don’t wait until someone’s drunk or at a party)
- Ask them to meet for coffee or go for a walk
- Prepare what you want to say in advance
Conversation Script:
“I want to talk with you about something important because our friendship means so much to me. I’ve made a decision to [not drink/change my relationship with alcohol/stop going to events where heavy drinking happens]. This decision is completely about me and what I need right now—it has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
I love you and treasure our friendship. That hasn’t changed. What HAS changed is that I’m not willing to [be at bars until 2am/attend boozy brunches/etc.] anymore. But I’d love to [go for hikes/try new restaurants/have coffee/take a cooking class] together instead.
Can we figure this out together?”
Key elements to include:
- Your love and value for them (disentangle the relationship from the activity)
- Clear statement of what you will and won’t do
- The fact that this is about YOU, not them
- Alternative ways to connect
- An invitation to collaborate
Why it works: Annie Grace explains the critical framework of guilt versus resentment. If you have this conversation, you might feel some guilt in the moment. There might be tears. It might be uncomfortable. But you’ll preserve your love for this person.
If you DON’T have this conversation and instead keep saying yes to things you don’t want to do? You’ll build resentment. And as Annie says, “Resentment kills love. It is very, very difficult to genuinely love someone you resent.”
She continues: “When you get to really resenting someone, when you feel like they’re stepping all over you…you don’t feel love anymore. And then, the friendship, it’s gonna dissolve anyway because you won’t have the capacity to love her because you resent her.”
Tip 5: Understand You’re Not Talking to the Person You Love (When They’re Drinking)
This might be the most important thing to understand when dealing with someone who drinks: when alcohol is involved, you’re literally not interacting with the same person.
The science: When someone drinks, alcohol impairs the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, planning, and considering consequences. Simultaneously, it activates the primal brain, which is focused only on immediate gratification and survival.
As Annie Grace explains, “Alcohol makes you less human. It awakens the primal part of your brain and it puts to sleep the prefrontal cortex…you’re not actually talking to the person you love because the person you love exists in the human part, the higher self, the part of the person that is thoughtful and compassionate.”
Your Standard (set beforehand when they’re not inebriated):
“I need to tell you something when we’re both clear-headed. Going forward, if arguments or heavy conversations start happening when drinking is involved, my standard is to remove myself from the situation. It’s not about blame or judgment—I just need to take care of myself. Can we agree to save important conversations for when we’re both of sound mind?”
In the moment (when they’re drinking):
“I love you, but I told you my standard is that I won’t engage in arguments when drinking is happening. I’m going to [my room/home/sister’s house] now. Let’s talk tomorrow when we’re both fresh.”
Why it works: This approach allows you to hold compassion AND hold your standard. You’re not abandoning them. You’re not judging them. You’re simply recognizing that productive communication isn’t possible in that moment and removing yourself from harm.
Tip 6: Recognize Who’s Really Uncomfortable (And Why It’s Not About You)
Annie Grace puts it bluntly: “The people who are not comfortable with you saying no in any way, shape, or form are often the people who have issues with their own drinking…People who have no issues in their own drinking, they don’t really care what other people are drinking.”
She continues: “People who have problems with their own drinking or are curious about their own drinking…they feel very threatened when somebody else says no to a drink because they say, I remember this for me, I remember a friend of mine who I drank with all the time. She’s like, ‘No, I’m not drinking anymore.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, what does that mean about me? I drink with you.’”
The truth: When you say no to alcohol, you’re holding up a mirror. Whether consciously or unconsciously, people see their own patterns reflected back.
Your Response:
- Don’t take their discomfort personally
- Stay calm and confident in your choice
- Remember: Their reaction is about them, not you
Conversation Scripts:
- If they push: “I hear that this is important to you. I’ve made my choice, and I hope you can respect that.”
- If they get defensive about their own drinking: “I’m not judging what you do at all—everyone gets to make the choice that’s right for them. This is just what feels right for me.”
- If they say “you’re no fun anymore”: “I’ve actually discovered what fun really looks like for me, and I’m loving it.”
As Coach Hayley wisely notes, “I would rather be judged for not drinking than for overdrinking. I’d rather someone say, ‘Did you see Hailey? She wasn’t drinking last night,’ instead of, ‘Did you see Hailey again last weekend? That was messy.’”
Tip 7: Set Your Standard Before the Event (And Have an Exit Plan)
Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of a triggering situation to figure out what you’re going to do. Decide ahead of time.
Practical Planning:
Before any holiday event, ask yourself:
- What would make me feel calm tonight?
- How long do I want to stay?
- What’s my exit plan if things get uncomfortable?
- What will I drink?
- What’s my honest reason for going? (And is it a good enough reason?)
Examples of Standards:
- “I’ll stay for two hours, then head out.”
- “If drinking gets heavy or people start getting sloppy, I’ll excuse myself.”
- “I’ll bring my own drinks so I always have something in my hand.”
- “I’ll have a friend I can text if I need support or a reason to leave.”
Conversation Scripts (For Your Exit):
- “I’ve had such a great time. I’m going to head out now—early morning tomorrow!”
- “This has been wonderful. I’m ready to get home to my cozy couch and my dog.”
- “I’m feeling tired—going to call it a night. So good to see everyone!”
Why it works: Visualization has been scientifically proven to improve performance and confidence. When you mentally rehearse what you’ll say and how you’ll handle situations, your brain treats it as practice. The real moment feels less daunting because you’ve already “done it” in your mind.
As Annie Grace recommends, “Write them down, as the act of writing will make sure you remember them when you are out and asked if you want a drink. And then, consider visualizing exactly what you will say and how empowered it will make you feel.”
Coach Hayley adds: “Saying no doesn’t mean saying no forever. It just means, ‘In this moment in time, I’m not feeling like I want to do that.’ No explanation, no justification.”
Bonus Tip: Remember—Saying No to Others Is Saying Yes to Yourself
This mindset shift is everything: boundaries aren’t about restriction. They’re about expansion.
As the This Naked Mind team teaches, “Saying ‘No’ to someone else means we’re saying ‘Yes’ to ourselves and our boundaries.”
The Reframe:
- This isn’t selfish—it’s self-care
- You’re not responsible for managing other people’s disappointment
- Your choices don’t judge anyone else’s choices
- You’re modeling healthy behavior (even if silently)
Conversation Scripts (Internal):
- “By honoring my needs, I’m showing up as my best self for everyone.”
- “I’m teaching people how to treat me by how I treat myself.”
- “My peace matters more than anyone else’s comfort zone.”
Coach Hayley shares her powerful realization: “My decision wasn’t about anyone else’s comfort zone. It was about mine, and finally feeling comfortable being me.”
Leave the Door Open for Friendship Evolution
Not every friendship will survive your decision to change your relationship with alcohol, and that’s okay. Some friendships are meant for a season.
Coach Lisa Ryan offers this perspective: “Consider that some friends are with you for a season…There was no fighting or bitterness, and it was a lesson to me that not all endings have to be sad. It was simply that they didn’t understand that I wanted more with my precious time with them than drinking the weekends away.”
She also shares hope: “I also had one friend that I thought the friendship had ended when alcohol wasn’t the main feature of the relationship, but surprisingly, they came back into my life after a short period of time and the friendship was renewed and refreshed with a new-found respect for one another.”
The truth: When you create space by letting go of friendships that no longer serve you, you make room for new connections that align with who you’re becoming.
Conversation Script:
- “I understand if this changes things between us, and I genuinely hope it doesn’t. But I want to be honest with you about where I am right now.”
Coach Lisa’s advice: “Try not to future predict what’s going to happen. Enjoy the moments that you have with your friends right now. Encourage them to continue to stand with you. Things might change, yes, but what if it was better? What if you left the door open for new friends?”
What If They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries?
This is where standards become non-negotiable.
Remember: boundaries rely on other people’s cooperation. Standards rely only on YOU.
When someone repeatedly crosses your stated standard, your action plan is simple: follow through on what you said you’d do. Leave the event. End the phone call. Remove yourself from the situation.
Annie Grace is clear about this: “You maintaining your presence in love and connection and appreciation of that person in that conversation and dealing with those emotions is the biggest gift you can give them and yourself.”
The key is doing this without anger, without lectures, without making them wrong. You simply say, “I told you this is my standard, so I’m leaving now. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Then you leave.
As Coach Hayley notes, “A boundary doesn’t have to be confrontation. It doesn’t have to be negative.” The calmer and more consistent you are, the more people learn to respect what you’ve said.
The Science of Why This Works
These strategies are effective because they’re grounded in psychological research:
Assertive Communication and Relationship Satisfaction: Research shows that clear, kind communication strengthens relationships. When you express your needs without aggression or passivity, people respect you more—even if they don’t initially understand your choice.
The Neurochemistry of Alcohol: Studies confirm what Annie Grace teaches—alcohol impairs executive function in the prefrontal cortex while activating reward-seeking behavior in the primitive brain. This is why trying to have rational conversations with someone who’s been drinking rarely works.
Emotional Mirroring and Rapport: When you show appreciation before declining (“Thanks for thinking of me, but no thanks”), you activate positive emotions in the other person that make them more receptive to your boundary.
The Psychology of Consistency: Each time you stick to your standard, you build what psychologists call “self-efficacy”—your belief in your ability to succeed. This creates a positive feedback loop where boundaries become easier over time.
Resentment’s Impact on Relationships: Research in relationship psychology confirms Annie Grace’s teaching: chronic resentment erodes affection, intimacy, and connection. Partners who build resentment report significantly lower relationship satisfaction and higher rates of dissolution.
Your Holiday Boundary Action Plan
Ready to put this into practice? Here’s your step-by-step plan:
Before the Event:
- Write down your standards (not what you want others to do, but what YOU will do)
- Choose 2-3 conversation scripts that feel authentic to you
- Visualize yourself using them confidently
- Decide on your drink of choice and your exit strategy
During the Event:
- Always have a drink in your hand
- Use your prepared scripts
- Redirect conversations quickly
- Check in with yourself regularly (calm, clear, kind, connected)
- Follow through on your standard if needed
After the Event:
- Reflect on what worked
- Notice how you feel waking up clear-headed
- Celebrate honoring yourself
- Adjust your approach for next time if needed
For Close Relationships:
- Schedule the differentiation conversation
- Prepare your key points in advance
- Lead with love and stay connected
- Be clear about your standards
- Offer alternative ways to spend time together
Dive Deeper: Listen to Episode 3
Want to hear more about communicating boundaries without guilt? Check out Episode 3 of The Joy Edit podcast, where Coach Hayley shares her personal journey with boundaries, offers additional conversation scripts, and talks about the Connection Compass—a simple tool to help you stay grounded during holiday gatherings.
The Bottom Line
Setting boundaries around alcohol isn’t about being difficult, antisocial, or judgmental. It’s about honoring yourself while maintaining the relationships that matter.
As Coach Hayley beautifully says, “You don’t owe your full story to anyone. You get to decide what to share and with whom. This isn’t to hide. This is not to protect others. This is to protect your own energy and peace.”
Remember Annie Grace’s powerful teaching: “Your responsibility is to be kind and to be honest, but not to have a reporting requirement.”
The holidays can be joyful when you honor your needs. You don’t need to perform your healing. You don’t need to narrate your transformation. You don’t need perfect explanations or perfect boundaries.
You just need to show up as yourself—even if that self is still finding her footing, even if it feels a little tender or awkward. You belong in that room exactly as you are.
Your choice to create healthy boundaries is an act of love—for yourself and ultimately for everyone in your life. Because the version of you that shows up clear, present, and authentic? That’s the version everyone actually wants to spend time with.
Ready to Put These Boundaries Into Action? Start January 1st
You’ve got the scripts. You’ve got the strategies. Now imagine having daily support as you put them into practice.
The LIVE Alcohol Experiment starts January 1st — and it’s designed for exactly this moment. Whether you’re curious about taking a break, cutting back, or exploring long-term freedom, this 30-day program gives you everything you need.
For just $67, you get:
- Daily science-backed videos that explain your drinking patterns (no judgment, just facts)
- Live Q&A sessions every single day with certified This Naked Mind coaches
- A supportive community of people who understand exactly what you’re going through
- Practical tools for handling stress, boredom, cravings, and social pressure
- Lifetime access to all content so you can revisit whenever you need it
This isn’t about restriction or deprivation. It’s about curiosity, clarity, and discovering who you are without alcohol clouding the picture.
Secure Your Spot in the LIVE Alcohol Experiment →
No rules. No guilt. No shame. Just real support for real change.
About Annie Grace
Annie Grace is the author and founder of This Naked Mind and creator of The Alcohol Experiment. Her work blends neuroscience, psychology, and compassionate habit change to help people transform their relationship with alcohol and, more importantly, with themselves. This Naked Mind is not here to shame your choices—we’re here to help you get curious about the beliefs behind them so you can build a life you don’t need to numb.
Copyright © 2025. All rights reserved. This Naked Mind and all associated materials are protected intellectual property. The information provided here is for educational purposes and does not constitute medical advice.