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Are you worried about your adult child?
Do you think your communication could use some improvement?
There is an abundance of resources on how to assist adult children who are facing difficulties, especially when they live at home or nearby.
However, it becomes more complicated if your child resides far away.
When you’re apprehensive about your child’s potential substance use, or if they are dealing with a serious addiction problem, it becomes a tough situation.
Some adult children maintain regular communication regardless of their circumstances. However, many parents observe that their kids tend to call less frequently as they distance themselves and grapple with substance issues.
I recall discussing this with my daughter shortly after her recovery. She pointed out that while using drugs, life feels chaotic. There’s often nothing positive to share, leading them to avoid calls with parents. They anticipate tough questions they may not want to answer. Even if they have responses, they may not align with what parents wish to hear, making it easier to ignore calls.
It can be distressing when your adult child chooses not to respond to your calls or messages. This disconnect often amplifies anxiety and can evolve into feelings of resentment, anger, and sorrow.
I appreciate the Invitation to Change framework. It proves beneficial for families with children living at home or nearby, allowing for positive communication strategies and considerate problem-solving. Moreover, it offers more frequent interactions.
This method can also apply to young adult children living further away, although interactions may be less frequent.
Replace your expectations with appreciation, and you’ll witness a remarkable shift in your perspective. ~ Tony Robbins
If you’re feeling a disconnect with your young adult child, consider these four strategies to reconnect:
1. Make Positive Phone Calls.
It’s easy to feel compelled to urge your child to modify their substance use behavior. This becomes trickier if you lack regular communication with them. Your initial focus should be on finding ways to positively reconnect with your adult child.
Avoid nagging, arguing, or lecturing; these tactics won’t encourage your child to engage. Right now, the priority is to discover ways to foster a positive interaction that both parties can benefit from.
While it’s understandable to want to discuss substance use, you can’t approach this topic without establishing a dialogue where both are involved.
Begin by having upbeat discussions, enhancing your chances of rekindling the relationship.
If your child doesn’t answer your calls, avoid overwhelming them with messages. Limit your calls to once or twice a week at the most. If they don’t answer, you may choose to leave a voice message or skip it.
Based on my experience, it’s advisable not to leave a message unless it’s urgent. Your child’s curiosity might motivate them to return your call, but don’t set immediate expectations.
2. Send a Text Message.
Another strategy is to send a single positive text each week. Don’t expect a reply, as many young adults nowadays prefer texting over talking.
Keep your messages upbeat and concise, such as,
“I’m thinking of you. Hope you’re having a good day. Love, Mom”
“Just wanted to reach out. Love you, son. Dad.”
Again, don’t expect a quick reply, depending on what your child is going through. Your aim is to show your support when they are ready to reach out.
As time goes by, if your child learns that you offer only positive encouragement, they might eventually be more open to reconnecting.
Also, avoid bombarding them with texts. If they don’t respond, it’s crucial to refrain from sending negative messages. Although their silence may be disheartening, remaining positive increases the likelihood that they will respond in the future.
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3. Plan a Visit.
Visiting your child allows you to see their current state and better understand their situation. Even if you’re unsure of where they live, a visit can sometimes act as a catalyst for change.
For instance, I once flew back to Colorado out of concern for my daughter. While we kept in touch, it wasn’t as frequent as I desired. That visit allowed me to understand her struggles with drugs and marked the beginning of her decision to address her issues.
I also know a mother who flew to see her son, who had been homeless in the Pacific Northwest for a couple of years. Her anxiety and concern escalated, leading her to decide that…
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The strict approach didn’t yield the desired results. Thanks to that journey, she was able to reunite with her son. Today, he is progressing in his recovery after a couple of years.
Reach out to your child via call or text to express your desire for a visit. If you share positive exchanges, it increases the likelihood they’ll be more receptive to seeing you.
It may be tempting to share how much they’ve hurt you. However, this added weight may dissuade them from seeking help.
Approach the situation with compassion and a genuine concern for your child’s welfare.
4. Prioritize your own needs.
In my discussion with Tina Gilbert, the author of Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children, she highlights the significance of addressing your own needs.
“If you’re focusing on your unmet needs, you may struggle to feel strong and self-assured. This can hinder your ability to manage relationship issues effectively.
Every unkind word or ignored message can lead to increased self-criticism, shame, and unhappiness.
If estrangement becomes long-lasting, you will require inner strength to remain calm and balanced over time. Benefits may not come quickly or often.
Navigating this situation without addressing your emotional needs is like attempting a desert trek without water—it’s not advisable.”
If your adult child is facing issues with drugs or alcohol and your communication is limited, use this period to focus on self-improvement.
The encouraging news is that most estrangements between parents and adult children are generally temporary. Many individuals do recover from substance abuse. However, it’s crucial to approach your child’s drug issues with seriousness. Sticking to a hopeful mindset is essential, as it’s easy to get caught in the negativity of the scenario.
Seek constructive ways to connect with your adult child, as this will enhance your chances of rebuilding your relationship. Your support may encourage them towards a healthier lifestyle.
Have faith that there is hope for your child.
What has your experience been like with an estranged adult child?
This article was updated on July 28, 2022.
