What happens when you finally stop running from yourself after more than fifty years? For Ann, the answer came at 77 years old, in a moment of clarity she never expected. After growing up with two alcoholic parents, witnessing violence and despair, and then spending over five decades in her own complicated relationship with alcohol, Ann discovered something that surprised her: the unexpected relief of not drinking. Her story isn’t about hitting a dramatic rock bottom or a single life-altering event. It’s about a woman who spent a lifetime bargaining with alcohol and finally realized she was done. What she found on the other side wasn’t deprivation. It was freedom she didn’t know was possible.
Trigger Warning: This story mentions violence.
Alcohol Was Always Just There
I grew up watching my parents drink. Both of them were alcoholics and drug addicts, and as a child, I witnessed fighting, violence, and despair that no kid should ever see. I dreaded their drinking. All I wanted was to be invisible, to disappear into the walls so I wouldn’t have to feel the chaos swirling around me. You’d think that would have made me never want to touch alcohol, right? But that’s not how these things work.
I started drinking my senior year of high school in 1964. I was seventeen years old, and somehow I thought it would be different for me. I thought I could control it. I thought I wasn’t like them. But alcohol doesn’t care about your intentions or your family history or your promises to yourself. It just slowly takes over, one drink at a time, one year at a time, until you wake up and realize decades have passed.
I’m 78 now, and when I look back at all those years, there are so many events I’m not proud of. Blacking out was a big one. Driving drunk. I feel lucky to be alive, honestly. So many close calls, so many mornings waking up not knowing what I’d said or done the night before. That guilt becomes a constant companion when you drink the way I did.
The Exhausting Game of Bargaining
For years, I tried to control my drinking through bargaining. I’d tell myself I’d only drink three nights a week. I’d wait until the weekend. I’d set all these little rules that I thought would prove I had it under control. But the rules kept changing, and I kept breaking them, and the whole thing became exhausting. When my husband and I retired and moved to Cape Cod, things got worse. The drinking started earlier in the day, creeping into the afternoon. When I could start drinking was always on my mind. Always. It controlled me completely, even though I pretended I was the one in control.
I went from beer to wine to hard liquor. It took several years of bargaining with myself before something finally shifted. I read all the quit lit I could find, trying to understand what was happening to me and how to stop. But it was the book This Naked Mind that finally set me on the right path. Something about the way it explained alcohol, the way it helped me see this substance from a completely different viewpoint. It clicked. I started listening to Annie’s podcasts, exploring the website, and slowly my thinking began to shift. I finally understood what a poison alcohol really is. And as someone approaching my late seventies, I want to be as healthy as possible. I want to live to be 100, and alcohol was never going to help me get there.
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The Day Everything Changed
July 27, 2024, was the day I finally stopped. I was 77 years old, and I had been drinking since my twenties. Over fifty years of this exhausting dance with alcohol, and I was finally done. Since then, I’ve had a few small slips. Data points, as I like to call them. But I got through them with little damage other than not sleeping well. I didn’t beat myself up about it. I just returned to my positive alcohol-free thinking and kept moving forward. What I’ve learned is that with me, it’s all or nothing. There is no bargaining with the drink.
Moderation was never an option for me, and you know what? That’s okay. The unexpected relief of not drinking is that I no longer waste time thinking about it. No more feeling sick. No more guilt. No more waking up wondering what I said or did. This is such a relief, and I’m sleeping so much better than I have in years. I used to think I would miss the crazy parties, the social scene, the feeling of being the life of the party. But I don’t miss any of it. Not even a little bit. My husband and I don’t go to bars anymore. We don’t go to parties all the time like we used to. And instead of feeling like we’re missing out, we feel like we’ve finally found what we were looking for all along.
Discovering Who I Really Am
I finally know who I really am. At 78 years old, after all these decades, I’ve discovered that I’m calm, wise, and happy. I’m not the crazy person who wanted to be the life of the party. That was never really me. That was the alcohol talking, the alcohol performing. Life now is calm, balanced, happy, and healthy.
My husband has cut back on his drinking too, watching my transformation. I believe I’ve influenced my children about their drinking, and perhaps some of our friends as well. The unexpected relief of not drinking has given me clarity I didn’t know was possible. Every single day, I feel better and better.
I’m so grateful when I wake up clear-headed and ready to go. Yes, I sometimes find myself reaching for cake or cookies or ice cream when I want to treat myself. Sugar instead of bourbon. What’s a woman to do? But I’m learning to be more mindful about my actions. Think before I act. That’s my new motto. As for the future, my husband and I want to stay as healthy as possible so we can watch our grandchildren grow. We want to live our lives with kindness and love. If I could tell my old self one thing, it would be this: You are a good and worthy person. Love yourself.
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