This post is written by Daniel Hochman, M.D., and focuses on assisting those with substance use issues.
This article will provide practical advice for those who struggle to discuss their loved one’s substance use or drinking habits. As a psychiatrist with extensive experience helping numerous patients and teaching across the country, I understand the thoughts and feelings experienced by both parties. It’s truly painful to observe someone engage in self-destructive behaviors, and it can be discouraging when sincere attempts at help are brushed aside.
Recognizing the psychological factors at play can ease the process of reaching out to your friend or relative, while also fostering an emotional connection. This article will equip you with well-established concepts and specific examples to help you create an effective and comfortable plan.
Stick to Clear Language
Sometimes, less is more. Using terms like ‘addict’ or ‘alcoholic’ might seem necessary for identification, but these labels can create barriers. Instead, opt for simple and clear language to describe the issues at hand.
Patients struggling with alcohol dependence often feel alienated when labeled as ‘alcoholics.’ Such terms can induce defensiveness from the onset. The challenge with loaded language is that interpretations can vary widely between individuals, so it’s best to steer clear of them unless it’s within a clinical setting focused on addiction.
What matters more than definitions is whether a person’s drinking leads to issues in their life. Rather than fixating on labels, it’s more beneficial to address currently relevant concerns. Let’s delve into some examples to elaborate on this concept.
Focus on Facts, Not Opinions
Now that you’re ready to use straightforward language, you may wonder how to articulate your concerns. The secret lies in basing your comments on facts. This is not the moment for personal judgments regarding your loved one’s actions. The more you frame the conversation around addiction, the more likely it is to derail into defensiveness. The goal is not just to evade conflict; we want our words to resonate.
For instance, avoid saying: “You’re a liar and an alcoholic!” Even if you feel this is accurate, it will provoke a dispute. This is because it relies on judgment rather than verifiable facts.
Instead, focus on specific and undeniable observations without criticizing their character. Here’s an example of how to present your concerns factually: “You used to drink excessively a few times a year, but I’ve observed it happening more frequently of late.”
Next, we’ll build upon these examples.
Express Genuine Concern
It is a common misconception that merely pointing out your loved one’s addiction will propel them to alter their behavior. Discussions about acceptable drinking levels can lead to fruitless arguments. It’s more beneficial to focus on the reasons why their behavior is distressing or troubling to you.
By shifting emphasis from addiction to shared values and mutual concerns, you can significantly influence how they respond. Moving away from a policing mentality toward a partnership approach will pave the way for positive change. It’s vital to express why their actions evoke fear or sadness in you.
When voicing your concerns, remember to be specific and factual. Since you cannot determine what worries your partner, it’s fairer to concentrate on your own feelings. For example, express your concerns like this: “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time alone upstairs recently. I’m worried that we might be growing apart.”
By employing simple, clear, and personal language, you articulate your concerns effectively and prevent potential pitfalls. Now, let’s discuss how addiction influences your relationship.
They Must Take Initiative
Your loved one’s self-destructive actions may have led you to take on the role of an unflagging helper. However, the encouraging news is you are not required to carry their burdens for them. Think of it like working out; you wouldn’t build someone’s strength by lifting their weights, right?
If you do too much for them, it may actually impede their development and progress. Your job is to simplify their path toward self-improvement. Should you find it too challenging to witness their struggles and inadvertently take on too many responsibilities, it might be beneficial to reflect on your own feelings—this is a common experience.
Here are a few practical ways to lend support without overbearing: plan enjoyable activities together, assist in scheduling a doctor’s appointment if they’re apprehensive, or share resource links based on your discussions.
Depending on your closeness, it’s perfectly fine if you choose not to do any of these. If you find yourself feeling angry or exhausted from assisting, it’s a signal that you’ve likely taken on too much.
Facilitate Gradual Steps
Many families and friends attempt to orchestrate interventions that demand their loved one improves within a month and announces their addiction to everyone. Such pressure can be daunting and create major obstacles to recovery. Instead, consider ways to encourage them to take small steps forward. Just as one can spiral downwards, they can also ascend gradually.
Since everyone’s journey is unique, you may already have insights into what might resonate with them. Think of an action they’d find hard to refuse. The goal isn’t for them to overcome their addiction by tomorrow; it’s to demonstrate that the path to recovery can be engaging and rewarding.
Encourage Psychological Exploration
As a psychiatrist, addressing the root causes is essential for helping your loved one conquer their addiction. From my clinical experience, emotional distress is almost invariably present in addiction cases. It’s vital to acknowledge that this distress often arises from underlying pain such as boredom, dissatisfaction with life’s direction, trauma, or depression.
Engaging in psychological exploration should be enlightening and enjoyable. Some enlightening activities include heart-to-heart conversations with a role model, reading literature or listening to podcasts about emotions and behaviors, and engaging in mindfulness or meditation.
Additionally, I have developed a program called Self Recovery, which guides individuals on an eye-opening and effective journey to cultivate the psychological tools needed for change. The aim is to provide friends and family with a way to offer experiences that genuinely interest their loved ones. This program is entirely private, available on-demand, and is often more affordable and effective than traditional rehab options.
Whatever you think might work, make it a stimulating and inviting step for them. When approached correctly, the journey out of addiction can lead to a holistic growth that they never anticipated.
Daniel Hochman, M.D. is a board-certified Psychiatrist and creator of a groundbreaking online addiction recovery program, SelfRecovery.org. His approach clarifies the confusion surrounding addiction and has successfully assisted thousands in solving their addiction challenges.