Many individuals think that unstable relationships are simply the result of poor partner choices or the need to be more composed and mature. However, the truth is much more intricate. If you face challenges related to abandonment wounds, the issue isn’t a lack of determination or personal flaws. It is more about how your past experiences shape your brain and nervous system. These wounds can lead to difficulties in managing emotions, which in turn can affect your relationships. The positive aspect is that therapies such as DBT and Schema Therapy offer the possibility to heal these wounds, fostering healthier and more secure connections.
Understanding Emotional Dysregulation in Relationships
If you’ve encountered tough situations in the past, your nervous system might react swiftly and intensely to perceived threats in your close relationships. When you feel “triggered,” effective communication can become much tougher. This phenomenon is known as emotional dysregulation. Discover more about how to regulate emotions.
See also: How Emotional Stonewalling Can Be Damaging
Schemas and Their Role in Amplifying Abandonment Wounds
Schemas are fundamental beliefs formed during childhood experiences. For instance, if you ever felt abandoned or found it hard to depend on a caregiver, you may have taken on the belief that abandonment is unavoidable. As an adult, this belief can make you feel that rejection is always looming, even when it isn’t.
When these schemas are activated, you may respond with strong emotions, like fear or anger, often regretting your response later (Kover et al., 2024).
This can create a push-pull dynamic: desiring closeness one moment, then withdrawing or becoming confrontational the next.
Further reading on GoodTherapy:
Healing Abandonment Wounds with DBT
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was initially designed for individuals who experience emotions more intensely than others. DBT does not require you to suppress your feelings; instead, it equips you with tools to manage your emotions without disrupting your relationships.
For example, if your partner doesn’t reply to a text for a few hours, fear of abandonment can trigger panic: “They’re going to leave me. They don’t care.” Lacking proper skills, this panic might lead to emotional distress, angry messages, or shutting down. DBT teaches you how to:
- Recognize the rising emotions before they overwhelm you.
- Utilize grounding and distress tolerance techniques to soothe your nervous system.
- Respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
With time, the skills learned in DBT can help stabilize these emotional fluctuations, aiding in creating steadier relationships (Linehan, 2015).
Explore more about DBT
Related GoodTherapy articles:
Transforming Abandonment Beliefs with Schema Therapy
Schema Therapy delves deeper, exploring why fears of abandonment and rejection sensitivity develop. Schemas act like emotional templates established during childhood, often influencing relationships without conscious awareness.
For example, with the Abandonment Schema: if early life experiences suggested that love was unstable, you might constantly fear being abandoned. Minor cues, such as a partner being silent, can feel like “evidence” of rejection.
Schema Therapy aids by:
- Identifying recurring patterns that activate these fears.
- Nurturing your injured inner self.
- Practicing healthier relational methods, like clearly expressing needs.
Instead of thinking “If I tell them I’m scared, they will leave,” you might learn to articulate, “When you don’t respond, I feel anxious and worry about losing you. Can you provide reassurance?” This encourages closeness rather than conflict.
Schema Therapy has proven particularly effective for addressing fears of abandonment and personality-related issues (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003).
Learn more about Schema Therapy.
The Key Takeaway: Healing Abandonment Wounds is Achievable
If your relationships feel tumultuous, it doesn’t imply that there’s something wrong with you. It indicates that your nervous system and past experiences are trying to safeguard you but sometimes do so in counterproductive ways. Through DBT, you can learn to manage intense emotions as they arise. Schema Therapy allows you to heal the deeper unresolved issues behind abandonment fears.
Stable and fulfilling relationships are within reach. The right therapies provide the necessary tools, practices, and support to turn the process of healing abandonment wounds into a reality.
References
- Kover, L., Pilkington, P. D., & D’Rozario, D. (2024). The association between early maladaptive schemas and relationship satisfaction: A dyadic analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1460723. DOI: 3389/fpsyg.2024.1460723
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. View Book
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press. View Book
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