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Summary:
- While the term “fake news” is commonly understood, gossip can be viewed as a type of personal fake news.
- To change your tendency to gossip, it helps to be mindful of both your speaking and listening habits.
- This 10-minute audio meditation will guide you in transforming your instinct to gossip into feelings of appreciation and gratitude.
We currently find ourselves in a political climate where disagreement extends beyond policies—we disagree about what is real. This issue isn’t new, however.
The American philosopher Walter Lippmann, writing in 1922, described modern life as existing in “pseudo-environments”—mental spaces that shape our values, beliefs, and opinions. He noted that while people inhabit the same physical world, they perceive and experience it differently.
Over a century later, we are facing unprecedented levels of polarization. Continuous news channels, social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter, and the fragmentation of media have enabled us to tailor our news, entertainment, and social experiences to uphold our current beliefs while avoiding opposing viewpoints—compounded by the existence of dishonest news intended to divide us.
The term “fake news” has become a defining feature of our time. Information that doesn’t align with our views is often dismissed as fictitious, while we are also misled by outright fabrications. These are indeed perplexing times.
There is a crucial discussion needed about how to transform our media and political systems to address these issues.
Gossip seldom rests on truth; it often stems from the narratives we construct in our minds about others.
Meanwhile, we aim to delve into an alternative perspective on “fake news.” While numerous individuals purposely disseminate false information, it’s equally important to consider how we may engage in such behavior daily without realizing it.
Specifically, we refer to gossip—our usual practice of discussing others behind their backs. Gossip rarely reflects reality; it’s more indicative of the assumptions we create regarding others.
What is Gossip?
Gossip can be understood in various ways. Webster defines it as “a rumor or report of a personal nature.” In the book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, the authors characterize gossip as “any statement about another that the speaker wouldn’t be comfortable sharing in the same manner if that individual were present.”
This definition highlights the situational aspect of gossip. When, for example, I inform my colleague Gena that “Dave’s feedback on my presentation was incredibly rude,” this could be gossip depending on whether or not I share this sentiment with Dave. If I keep it to myself, it clearly qualifies as gossip; if I express the same thoughts to Dave, it isn’t gossip.
Why should we focus on becoming more aware of our gossiping habits? It can be enjoyable and even amusing to comment on the flaws of public figures, celebrities, or challenging individuals in our lives.
One reason is that our gossiping tendencies often stem from narratives in our minds that may or may not hold truth. Thus, one argument for refraining from gossip is to help halt the spread of “fake news.”
Another reason centers around the subtle violation of integrity associated with gossip. Immanuel Kant’s philosophy teaches that when we gossip, we reduce individuals to a “mere means” to elevate our own sense of enjoyment or worth. Sharing a humiliating anecdote about someone effectively exploits their misfortune for entertainment, which ultimately delivers a transient thrill.
Though temporarily gratifying, it often leaves a moral residue. The person sharing gossip may feel a twinge of guilt, while listeners grapple with distrust. They may think, “If they talk about others when they aren’t around, how do they speak about me when I’m absent?”
Need some evidence? Try this quick exercise: During your next chat with a friend or colleague, share an intriguing negative detail about a mutual acquaintance. Then, gauge how that interaction affects your feelings about their reliability and the depth of your relationship.
2 Key Ways to Shift the Habit of Gossiping
So how can we heighten our awareness regarding gossip? The answer lies in mindfulness—developing the habit of Notice-Shift-Rewire whenever the temptation to gossip strikes or when others begin to gossip. This heightened awareness manifests in two forms: awareness of our speech and awareness during listening.
1) Awareness of Speech
The practice is simple. Notice when you feel compelled to speak negatively about someone—whether it’s a friend, a coworker, or a political figure. When you notice this urge, pay attention to your body’s physical sensations related to gossip. We’ve found that such impulses often coincide with a particular energetic state—a subtle pattern of feelings within the body.
Indeed, the desire to gossip resembles the urge to consume gossip through celebrity tabloids or political discussions. In both cases, we chase a fleeting thrill from engaging with or hearing gossip. Yet, it is a behavior that seldom satisfies, leaving us craving more.
Recognizing the urge to gossip creates space for you to Shift your speech. This may simply mean opting to remain silent or reframing your comment in a way that you’d feel comfortable sharing with the person involved if they were present.
The Shift can also involve following through on the impulse to gossip, but with mindfulness—known as conscious gossiping. This concept might sound counterintuitive, yet you’ll discover it might sometimes be impractical or even inappropriate to completely eliminate gossip. In some conversations with your significant other, discussing individuals you wouldn’t name in their presence could pave the way for trust and intimacy. When navigating difficult situations involving family or workplace challenges, open conversations about others may be necessary. In such cases, the emphasis should not be on eradicating gossip, but rather on being more aware and mindful of its occurrence.
The final step is to Rewire your experience by savoring the insights gained regarding this common behavior of gossip.
2) Awareness of Listening
Even when we avoid gossip, we will inevitably encounter it within conversations with others. Whether it’s from neighbors, coworkers, or relatives, gossip is so prevalent that it’s almost unavoidable. Awareness of listening involves recognizing gossip when it appears in discussions with others.
This brings up a significant question: When we observe someone we are conversing with engaging in gossip, how should we respond?
The authors of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership draw connections to this…
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Think of this scenario as a game of ping-pong: “the speaker and listener each have a paddle. If a listener decides not to engage and figuratively puts down their paddle, then the game ends.”
This is practical advice, but it takes wisdom and finesse to figure out how to let go of your paddle without making the other person feel embarrassed. It can involve adding something positive to the discussion, steering the conversation in a different direction, or even directly asking to refrain from gossiping.
A 10-Minute Exercise for Gossip Awareness
- Start by finding a comfortable seated position. Sit up straight, if possible. Close your eyes and begin to relax. Feel how the chair supports your body. Notice your feet resting on the ground. Recognize how each breath gives you support. Give yourself permission to breathe and just be. Let your breath flow naturally, without trying to control it. This practice aims to enhance your awareness of how gossip impacts you.
- As you relax deeply, think back to a past experience. Recall a time when you heard something about a friend, a coworker, another parent at school, or a neighbor. Alternatively, remember a time when you shared gossip about someone else. It may not be a proud moment, but we all have instances where we’ve indulged in some gossip. See if you can take a mental trip back to such a moment, even if it’s from your childhood.
- As you revisit that moment, pay attention to any feelings or sensations that arise while recalling the instance of sharing gossip. You may notice a blend of emotions—excitement, guilt, anxiety, or curiosity.
- Now, let’s imagine we could rewind time and relive that same moment, with a slight change. This time, consider a statement of gratitude regarding that person. Instead of sharing gossip about them, think of what you would express if you had to tell someone why you appreciate them or what makes you grateful for them.
- Visualize expressing appreciation instead of gossiping. For example, I value Hank for his punctuality and the vigor he brings to our discussions. I’m thankful for my mother-in-law, for her enthusiasm in uniting our family.
- Notice the emotions that surface with this expression of gratitude. Observe any changes in your body compared to how gossip impacts you. Try to retain this awareness and recognize the emotional differences between gossip and gratitude in your daily life.
- Be mindful of times when you feel tempted to share a scandalous piece of gossip and instead, consider how it feels to switch to gratitude or appreciation.
- To conclude this practice, take a few more mindful breaths. Focus on the sensations of each inhale and exhale. When you feel prepared, gently open your eyes and take the spirit of gratitude with you for the rest of your day.
The 24-Hour Gossip Challenge:
To see the effects, try to be more mindful of gossip over the next 24 hours. Pay close attention to your own words and those of others around you. Challenge yourself to go one whole day without engaging in gossip.
You may discover that completely avoiding gossip is nearly impossible, but that isn’t the purpose of this exercise. The goal is to become aware of your urges to gossip—to notice how you might be participating in spreading “fake news.” This newfound awareness might not stop you from gossiping entirely, but it will enhance your compassion, care, and mindfulness in even the simplest conversations.
Feel free to share your experiences in the comments below.
This article first appeared on Mindful.org in March 2018.