Children are incredibly observant—how can we provide them with feedback while also demonstrating mindfulness, tranquility, and compassion? Alex Tzelnic, a Mindfulness Director and educator, shares practical strategies for mindful communication, applicable both in classrooms and at home.
Summary
- Modeling mindfulness in our communication with children and students is a research-supported educational approach.
- Providing constructive feedback encourages learning without making students feel criticized.
- Teachers can develop a Mindful Language Cheat Sheet featuring phrases that promote clarity, calmness, and kindness.
While we might wish growing up meant gaining wisdom, kids often challenge that idea. Just think of how many times our well-meaning advice meets with exaggerated eye rolls. Sometimes, it seems like mocking is the main use of their eyes—especially when we offer unsolicited feedback.
Nevertheless, children require feedback. Without it, they risk facing consequences—like forgetting the warning of “Don’t run with scissors!” Testing limits is part of their role, and our job as educators and caregivers is to help them navigate these limits without letting them go too far. This balancing act can be quite tricky.
As the Mindfulness Director in a PK-8 school, I frequently ponder how we engage with students and how our language can effectively model mindfulness.
What Happens When Teachers Model Mindfulness?
At the beginning of this school year, I discussed with the faculty the significant impact our communication styles can have. I referenced a favorite study involving 599 high school students conducted over a year. The findings revealed that students who believed their teachers exhibited mindfulness at the start of the year developed greater mindfulness and compassion by year’s end.
The message I aimed to convey was that one doesn’t need an advanced personal mindfulness practice to positively impact student well-being. I wanted to encourage teachers to adopt mindfulness in their classrooms, emphasizing that their ability to subtly model mindfulness might prove more effective than any explicit lessons. Teaching a curriculum is already challenging, and many may hesitate to utilize tools they’re not familiar with. For instance, if someone asked me to integrate chemistry into my teaching, I’d be at a loss.
You don’t need to have a well-developed personal practice to impact student well-being.
Realizing how we present ourselves and interact with students can be vital for their development is enlightening. The study outlined characteristics of mindful teachers as being calm, clear, and kind. The researchers concluded, “A calm, clear, and kind teacher can nurture students’ overall growth, whether through role modeling or meeting their needs.” Our language can send subtle lessons that significantly affect student behavior, helping them feel acknowledged and supported, which then encourages them to reciprocate that support to others.
How to Give Wise Feedback
It can be tough to communicate with clarity, calmness, and kindness, especially when you’re facing a group that may not be eager to be there. While we might consider our words harmless, students can perceive much of what we say as critical. A simple question, “Did you finish the assignment?” might come across to a student as if we think they’re unable to remember to complete their work.
To avoid unintended criticism, I introduced the concept of “wise feedback” to my colleagues. Psychologist David Yeager highlighted that being clear about why feedback is given helps students recognize that high standards are achievable, making the feedback feel more like encouragement than nagging. For example, saying, “I’m curious if you completed that assignment because there are some interesting insights, and I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on them,” has a much more positive effect.
Our language can share lessons that meaningfully influence students’ behavior, showing them they are recognized and supported, which helps them support others as well.
Yeager’s research included 7th-grade social studies teachers who returned student papers with either a neutral note or one with wise feedback. Eighty percent of students receiving wise feedback chose to revise their essays, in contrast to just forty percent in the neutral note group. Personally, I’ve seen a notable decrease in eye-rolling since incorporating wise feedback into my teaching.
Mindful Language, Made Easy
At the conclusion of my session with the faculty, I shared my belief that many teachers probably already practice aspects of mindful teaching, even if they aren’t aware of it. A key trait of great educators is the patience and compassion needed to foster learning. Yet, as Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki said, “You are perfect as you are, and you could use a little improvement.” To broaden our collective vocabulary of mindful phrases, I handed out index cards for us to compile our shared wisdom.
I asked the teachers to help create a “mindful language cheat sheet” containing phrases they use when trying to communicate clearly, calmly, and kindly. This would be a collection of pieces of wise feedback. I later circulated a document gathering these phrases, including gems such as:
- Everything is figureoutable.
- Worrying is just paying a debt you don’t owe.
- This is just one day. Many days are ahead.
- Everyone’s best looks different. Focus on your own best.
- I am here with you in this.
- When in doubt, take a deep breath.
With this, we armed ourselves with language to start the year, helping to address core issues, support students during tough times, and introduce some lightheartedness.
In the ancient teachings of meditation and mindfulness, we find tales of legendary teachers who effortlessly impart their wisdom to captivated students in a single moment. This sets an unreasonably high expectation for modern educators, as real learning generally occurs through small moments that accumulate over time. For those of us tasked with sharing wisdom—be it to students of mindfulness, chemistry, or even Play-Doh—it often requires more words to convey our point. Teaching is challenging. But remember, everything is figureoutable.