No matter your relationship status, you might be dealing with feelings of loneliness. Being alone doesn’t automatically mean you feel lonely. For instance, you could be single and live independently without feeling isolated, sharing some evenings with your community through activities with family, neighbors, or work friends. Conversely, if you aren’t at ease with yourself, enjoying solitude can be a challenge because it fosters a sense of disconnection. It’s also possible to relish solitude yet encounter bouts of loneliness. We all experience loneliness at times, and it’s essential to seek connections with others without feeling ashamed about that need.
1. Normalize the Feeling of Loneliness
Some individuals disparage those discussing their loneliness, mistakenly linking it to an absence of self-love. It’s crucial to understand that this belief is flawed. You could be on a self-improvement journey, feel proud of who you are, and still sometimes feel lonely.
Loneliness can manifest in various ways. You might sense that no one truly understands or values you, even when surrounded by “friends.” It’s also possible to feel lonely while in a romantic relationship or surrounded by family at gatherings. This feeling isn’t solely about the lack of people physically nearby; it stems from a deficiency in genuine emotional connections. We should strive to feel at ease within ourselves while sharing time with others, whether in friendships, partnerships, or family relationships. Wanting sincere interactions does not inherently mean you’re needy, dependent, or insecure.
Loneliness is not just about a physical absence of people around you but about a lack of authentic emotional connection.
There’s something wonderful about truly knowing someone and being known in return. The resilience of friendships during tough times is admirable, as is the intimacy and healthy companionship that arises from them. If you’re feeling lonely, don’t be critical of that feeling; acknowledge it without guilt. Remember, loneliness is a common human experience.
Many have experienced periods of deep emotional pain—like during a breakup or divorce—so severe that they didn’t feel lonely; they might have even preferred isolation. In these instances, starting to desire connections again signals healing and growth. As they begin to heal and gain self-awareness, they might notice a renewed yearning for friendships or romantic relationships. Recognizing your point in this journey is crucial if you relate to this situation.
2. Begin With Self-Understanding and Taking Healthy Risks
Ignoring our loneliness can lead us to make unhealthy choices. Often, this feeling may distort our perception of reality, making us overly fixated on our need for companionship. What does that look like? You might desperately seek a friend and overlook warning signals that they aren’t genuine, clinging to them out of a desire for connection. The same can occur in romantic situations. If I crave companionship intensely, it can blind me to aspects of the relationship where I may feel unfulfilled or unable to be my true self. It’s crucial to acknowledge our loneliness and see it clearly without distorting our perspective on the truth.
My point isn’t to suggest that “you just need to love yourself.” While self-love is vital, it doesn’t stop us from experiencing emotional pain or longing for deeper relationships. If loneliness is your current state, I urge you to engage in activities on your own. Those who lack close relationships may fall into self-isolation, so challenge yourself to experience life in your own company. Finding comfort in your own presence is liberating.
Are you okay with dining out alone instead of just eating in your car? Can you go to a movie you want to watch, or visit an art exhibition, concert, or religious service solo if no one else can accompany you?
While we recognize our need for connection, we must refuse to postpone our lives. Too many of us wait indefinitely for a partner to feel fulfilled, assuming our joy is contingent on others. Living joyfully is attainable now.
I encourage you to actively seek environments where you can be around others, even if interactions are minimal. Past traumas and social anxiety can hinder friendship-building, making self-isolation appealing. Be patient with yourself as you take small steps toward being around people. Some social environments are less intimidating and don’t require deep engagement. For instance, consider joining a class based on a hobby or interest—be it cooking, music, or learning a new language.
3. Nurture Existing Relationships
As you begin to connect with others, think about the people already present in your life. I’ve worked with clients who feel alone, yet when we go deeper, they mention acquaintances, leading me to ask, “Who is that person? And what about them?” It’s easy to disregard what we have. Reflect on whether you want to enhance existing friendships or are truly starting from the ground up. Often, loneliness stems from fear and distrust, especially amongst those who feel isolated in groups. Have you maintained surface-level friendships? Or has past hurt made it harder to open up? In romantic relationships, physical closeness can exist without emotional intimacy, even if one yearns for more. Genuine intimacy necessitates vulnerability.
You might find it surprising that when you take the chance to be vulnerable and open, others may reciprocate. If you have a group of friends engaged in shallow conversations, you might wrongly assume they don’t desire deeper discussions. But here’s a little secret: they may long for meaningful connections just as much. Instead of making assumptions, take the brave step to explore more profound conversations and connections.
Being open about your feelings is crucial for building genuine connections.
Want to hear a secret? Others might also be seeking a deeper relationship.
Embracing vulnerability can be particularly important for individuals who usually take on the role of the strong supporter in their relationships. If you cling to this persona, you may never truly allow others into your life. Being the one who always gives can be isolating, potentially leading to feelings of resentment or disconnection from those you aim to support.
It’s essential to create environments where you don’t have to maintain an image of flawlessness. Spaces where you can openly talk about your experiences instead of defaulting to the usual “I’m fine. How are you?” Are you the type who asks endless questions about others to divert attention from your own life? If so, you might be feeling quite alone.
If you’re in a romantic relationship or marriage where loneliness creeps in, consider what it would mean for you to be authentically present. What if you stopped merely going through the motions and being like housemates? Being real doesn’t just mean sitting down and listing complaints. That would lack real vulnerability, as you would be placing all the responsibility for the issues on your partner. Instead, how could you approach the situation with honesty, sharing your needs and struggles to help mend the relationship, rather than merely venting?
True connections require authentic vulnerability. While it might seem daunting, being genuinely known is worth the leap of faith. This means being at ease with your authentic self—not adhering to a script or a façade, not playing the role of a superhero, but simply being you alongside someone else.
True connections require authentic vulnerability.
4. Release Self-Sabotage and Learn from Past Experiences
If you find yourself surrounded by people you don’t enjoy or locked at home feeling lonely while wishing for companionship, your current routine isn’t serving you. Unless a delivery worker is your soulmate, it’s unlikely you’ll meet new people this way. No matter your location, I encourage you to explore local events—be it a fair, festival, lecture series, or concert.
Moreover, consider joining an organization that resonates with your interests. Attending single events can be fun, but often, people stick to their companions and leave without engaging with others. By being part of a group that meets regularly, you create more chances for interaction. This environment allows you to observe others, better gauge compatibility, and gradually foster connections. Even though stepping out of your comfort zone can be challenging, it is often necessary for building relationships.
Take time to reflect on past friendships and relationships to identify valuable lessons. If you’re unclear on what went awry in previous connections, you’re likely to repeat the same errors, resulting in relationships that fail to thrive. It’s important to analyze not only how others affected you but also how you contributed to the dynamics of those friendships, your treatment of others, and how you engaged in those relationships. What hurdles do you face when it comes to intimacy—emotionally, physically, or spiritually? Have you ever undermined previous relationships?
A recent message I received highlighted someone’s realization of their role in a past relationship’s failure to develop. It’s essential to confront how we may have sabotaged relationships, been drawn to problematic individuals, or closed ourselves off.
No one enjoys rejection, but if you constantly appear unapproachable or irritated, exuding arrogance or an attitude that suggests you wish to be left alone, you hinder your own potential for connection. It’s vital to understand what you may need to heal and develop to be more open to forming relationships.
Activity: Listen, Move, and Breathe to Appreciate Connection
If you’re at home right now and this resonates with you, I encourage you to play a song about love—be it family, friendship, or romance—and dance to help release any tension in your body. If now is not feasible, make some time later in the day to enjoy music, move, and breathe, preventing loneliness from consuming you while you commit to living fully and authentically, honoring your connection with both yourself and others.
Affirmation: If it speaks to you, recite this aloud: “I seek friendship, companionship, and connection. There is no shame in this desire. I honor my wish for deeper connections.”
Adapted from MATTERS OF THE HEART Copyright © 2025 by THEMA BRYANT. Reprinted here with permission from TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House Publishers.