Many parents and family members of individuals dealing with substance use issues have received the advice that the best way to cope is to “detach with love.”
The rationale behind this is that you cannot assist your child until they are ready to seek help. By stepping back from the distress that addiction causes, you prioritize your well-being.
However, this perspective implies that you should refrain from offering any assistance. It suggests that your son or daughter must desire change themselves and arrive at that conclusion independently.
How many parents are genuinely capable of distancing themselves from children they have cared for since birth? Furthermore, does this approach actually provide any relief?
For me, remaining close felt like the right choice. I couldn’t bear the thought of abandoning my struggling child.
There is no universal solution that applies to everyone. Some parents may feel they have done all they can or simply need a pause.
But here’s my reason for choosing not to detach with love.
1. The idea of detaching with love is confusing
The phrase “detach with love” is ambiguous and open to various interpretations.
What does it truly entail?
- Does it imply acknowledging substance use but taking no action?
- Or does it mean telling your child you won’t see them until they have achieved sobriety?
- Does it require evicting your child if they live with you, regardless of age?
- Or should you simply allow them to reach rock bottom?
This is what troubles me. Parents without experience in dealing with substance abuse, upon discovering their child’s issues, often assume that severing ties is essential.
For those parents navigating this challenging and perplexing journey, how can they determine if their decisions are sound when faced with such mixed signals?
It’s well-known that addiction has led to numerous tragic losses. By turning away from their child, parents increase the likelihood that their child may suffer further, or potentially never recover from their issues.
Parents require more than perplexing advice. They need clear, actionable guidance. They seek a way out of the complicated mess that substance use creates.
2. Staying connected is essential
Studies indicate that maintaining a connection with your child and keeping the dialogue open can encourage them toward recovery.
Recall Johann Hari’s line from his famous Ted Talk: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”
If you choose to detach with love, there is a danger of severing that vital connection. Some believe that assisting their child equates to enabling them.
Many individuals in recovery have mentioned that their family’s support played a crucial role in motivating them to transform their lives. You can only facilitate change by maintaining ongoing dialogue and supporting your child’s journey.
Keeping the relationship alive offers the best opportunity for your child to recognize the necessity of change. The path of addiction can be extensive.
However, remaining engaged in as positive a manner as possible will reassure your child that they are not alone in facing their challenges. They will understand that they are still cherished. This bond can significantly influence their journey towards recovery.
And despite staying connected, you can still permit your child to face the repercussions of their substance use.
3. Detaching, even with good intentions, can increase stress.
Numerous parents I’ve spoken to have shared that the advice to detach with love has only heightened their stress levels, as it feels counterproductive.
Aren’t parents meant to nurture and safeguard their children? They grapple with the concept of letting go of a child they have nurtured since birth. This can feel akin to losing a part of themselves.
Many sleepless nights could have been spent worrying about their child’s safety, unsure of where they are. Even if they feel compelled to adhere to the detachment advice, many parents struggle with it emotionally.
One mother recounted that when her son relapsed, a counselor advised her to cease all contact with him. This advice caused her significant anxiety, leaving her ignorant of her son’s welfare or whereabouts.
Once she chose to reach out, she discovered he was in a dire state. She believes he may have perished if she hadn’t made the effort to reconnect. Thanks to her support, he has been in recovery for several years now.
4. You can practice self-care without detaching.
A common message in traditional support groups, which research backs, underscores the importance of self-care. It’s essential to ensure you are exercising, eating nutritious foods, and caring for your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.
However, you can care for yourself while still maintaining a bond with your child. Letting go is not a prerequisite for your well-being.
Prioritizing your health is an ongoing necessity. Many parents report feeling more at ease when they maintain regular communication with their child.
You will likely find it easier to cope with stress when you frequently connect with your child. Furthermore, you can still live a life that isn’t solely focused on their substance use. It’s important to carve out moments for your own needs as well.
5. Insights on detaching with love.
Research indicates that maintaining a close relationship with your child can be beneficial. You can play a significant role in facilitating change.
However, parents facing addiction often encounter mixed messages. Many are rooted in traditional beliefs, such as the idea of “detaching with love.” While some approaches are helpful, they lack research backing.
So, how can we ascertain their effectiveness?
There have been instances where parents have lost children because they believed that turning their backs was the best choice.
I’ll always remember a parent from one of my CRAFT trainings who expressed that she felt her son might still be alive today had she adopted a more compassionate approach and remained engaged.
Our children are facing a health challenge. Just like any other health issue, it’s important to consider what research suggests is effective.
Studies show that around 70% of families involved in CRAFT manage to get their loved ones into treatment within a year (Miller, Meyers, & Tonigan, 1999). CRAFT also aids family members in improving their own well-being, regardless of whether their loved ones seek treatment.
Additionally, there are other programs available that support families while they stay connected.
6. Feel free to take a break if necessary
Ultimately, staying connected doesn’t mean you can never take a step back or take some time for yourself. If you’ve been struggling for years, and feel you’ve done everything possible, it might be time to focus on your own life.
However, stepping back should not be the first option, as this can lead to confusion.
You could risk burning out from trying to help if you get too entangled in your child’s issues. Perhaps you’ve tried to control every element or thought that yelling was a solution. Those approaches don’t yield positive results either.
Maintaining a continuous dialogue and emphasizing positive aspects is truly beneficial.
By supporting your child’s recovery while also taking care of yourself, you provide them with the best opportunity for a healthier lifestyle.
You can achieve this without needing to detach.
You can inspire change while remaining connected to your child.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate that you have many content choices. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Sunday newsletter for insights and inspiration aimed at helping parents. Sign up today.
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