When someone hurts you, it can be difficult to move on. However, holding onto bitterness only exacerbates your emotional pain—and your physical health. Resentment can raise your blood pressure and release stress hormones that contribute to illness. Ultimately, harboring a grudge doesn’t benefit anyone. As the saying goes, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Paradoxically, when you’re wronged, forgiveness is the only path to finding relief from the suffering. Sound challenging? Keep reading to discover how to embrace forgiveness for both others and yourself, helping you unload the heavy weight of resentment and attain greater freedom.
1. Grasp the concept of forgiveness
Before trying to forgive those who have hurt you most, pause to contemplate what you are asking of yourself: Forgiveness doesn’t indicate that you approve of the wrongdoing or that the offender has no accountability. Instead, it’s a conscious choice to free yourself from the weight, distress, and anguish of holding onto resentment.
Forgiveness doesn’t imply that you condone what happened or that the wrongdoer is without fault. It is a deliberate decision to liberate yourself from the burden, anguish, and stress associated with resentment.
2. Acknowledge your pain
Emotional wounds can penetrate deep, even those that don’t initially seem significant. It’s crucial to allow yourself to recognize and validate the pain you are experiencing. Pay attention to where you feel it physically and ask yourself, “What do I need at this moment?” You might crave support, additional time, or kindness towards yourself. Creating space for your pain enables you to understand whether you’re ready to let it go.
3. Identify your emotions
Regardless of whether you’ve caused harm to yourself or have been hurt by someone else, be open and name the emotions that arise. You might feel guilt, sadness, shame, confusion, or anger. These feelings may surface as you contemplate forgiveness. Research from UCLA indicates that labeling your emotions can reduce the intensity of your amygdala’s reaction—the emotional center of the brain—and help engage your prefrontal cortex, the logical part of your mind. By identifying your feelings, you can create distance from them and avoid feeling overwhelmed.
4. Express your feelings
Suppressing your hurt only adds to your mental and physical strain. Although recalling the memories may be challenging, try to articulate your feelings. You could write them down in a journal or discuss them with a friend or therapist. Sharing your experiences broadens your perspective and may allow you to view the situation differently.
5. Shift your perspective
When possible, shift from the victim mindset to understanding the other person’s viewpoint. Reflect on their life experiences that might have influenced their actions. This shift can be tough, but remember, you aren’t excusing their behavior. Instead, it’s about recognizing that our own traumas and experiences shape our actions. If you can see it this way, compassion is likely to emerge from this deeper understanding.
6. Take meaningful steps (start small)
Whether you need to forgive yourself or someone else, taking steps can facilitate healing and increase your sense of empowerment. It’s best to start with minor transgressions to practice and discern what’s possible. Writing a letter or engaging in a difficult conversation can be daunting, but often leads to a sense of empowerment as you show yourself compassion and take supportive actions.
7. Remember, you’re not alone
When hurt, it’s natural to feel isolated in your suffering. However, similar wrongs have likely been committed countless times throughout history. Mistakes are a shared part of the human experience. Recognizing that many have faced similar pain can ease your grip on resentment.
8. Be patient; forgiveness takes time
Forgiveness is not a quick remedy; it’s a journey. Be gentle with yourself. While you might find forgiving minor transgressions happens quickly, larger wounds can take years to heal. As you work through smaller issues before addressing the harder ones, practice self-kindness, breathe deeply, and keep going.
9. Cease the blame game
It can feel good to vent to a friend sometimes, but remember that blaming doesn’t actually help. Researcher Brené Brown, author of Rising Strong, states, “Blaming is merely a way to express pain and discomfort.” It gives an illusion of control but perpetuates negativity in our minds, increasing stress and damaging our relationships.
10. Increase your mindfulness practice
A recent study involving 94 adults who had experienced infidelity found a link between mindfulness traits and the ability to forgive. Essentially, the more consistently you practice mindfulness, the more you enhance your ability to forgive.
11. Discover meaning and resilience through your pain
As you engage with the pain you’re feeling, you cultivate important qualities such as self-compassion, courage, and empathy, making you stronger in every sense. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, even in the most challenging and painful situations, we have the freedom to find significance in life, which serves as a profound healing force.
How to Cultivate Forgiveness: A Mini-Meditation
Try this brief practice daily to strengthen your ability to forgive.
- Think of someone who has caused you pain (it may be best to start with someone less significant) and whom you still hold a grudge against. Visualize the moment you were harmed and feel the lingering pain. Hold onto your reluctance to forgive.
- Observe the present emotion. Is it anger, resentment, sadness? Tune into your body to sense any tension or heaviness. Then, become aware of your thoughts; are they negative or something else?
- Truly feel the weight of the hurt within you and consider:
“Who is enduring this pain?
Have I carried this burden for too long?
Am I ready to forgive?”
If your answer is no, that’s perfectly fine. Healing varies for everyone. - If you’re prepared to let it go, silently repeat these phrases: “Breathing in, I acknowledge my pain. Breathing out, I forgive and release this burden from my heart and mind.”
- Continue this practice for as long as it remains beneficial to you.
This article was published in the April 2017 issue of Mindful magazine.