Embracing Connection and Compassion: Introducing Heather Ross – Cathy Taughinbaugh

I’m thrilled to present my conversation with Parent Coach, Heather Ross!

Welcome, Heather!

Click below to view the interview:

Here’s the written transcript of our conversation.

Could you introduce yourself to those who might not know you?

My daughter faced challenges with substance use, beginning around the age of 12. She started experimenting without my knowledge, and it wasn’t until she reached high school that I began receiving calls from the school. Those years were incredibly challenging for us. Regardless of the professionals I sought for help, we couldn’t find the support we desperately needed.

Most of the advice I received was centered around waiting for her to hit rock bottom, which left me feeling hopeless and responding out of fear rather than love. I realized I was straying from my values as a mother.

Those years were tough for our whole family, especially for my daughter and me. As she turned 17, I decided to stop all the practices that didn’t feel right. Nothing was working, and I thought we could both use a break.

I was exhausting ourselves with various appointments, and we were both drained. Taking a step back allowed me some time to recuperate and explore new information. I began working with a coach and discovered the book Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change. The coaching helped me focus on my own growth, and the book resonated deeply with me as a mother.

It was the guidance I had been seeking, especially since my daughter wasn’t ready to give up substances. This approach helped me mend our relationship. Learning from the book allowed me to be there for her as she needed. I learned to accept her situation and rebuild our connection, even as her substance use increased.

She experimented with various recovery options and eventually sought treatment multiple times, showing improvement each time. I noticed her spirit shining brighter, and we started building the relationship I had always desired.

Once I focused on adopting a scientific and compassionate approach, I aimed to foster the best relationship possible. I cherished the moments we had together, and she was in recovery for about 18 months.

However, challenges arose at her sober living facility, leading her to feel unstable and ultimately relapse. She called me to share what happened, and we had a constructive conversation focused on her next steps. Although she hadn’t used substances for a while, her tolerance had dropped. I believed we were prepared, but she faced yet another setback and was given Fentanyl, which led to her passing.

I can’t predict how I’ll feel when I share that news. Sometimes I can express it without much emotion, while other times it hits hard. It’s been almost a year since her passing. Despite our efforts in Family Recovery, outcomes can remain uncertain. A vital lesson for me has been my commitment to personal growth, and I feel proud of how I approached that last conversation.

It’s essential to acknowledge that rebuilding relationships is possible, regardless of past events, even during active substance use. Healing can still occur. I used to think we’d have to wait until she was in recovery to begin that process, but we found healing even when she was still using. That experience motivated me to pursue this work. After her passing, I questioned whether I should continue, but I felt compelled to share my story and support other families.

What strategies have helped you cope with the grief of losing your daughter?

This journey brings profound grief—loss of the experiences we envisioned as parents and the future we wished for our child. To navigate this grief, I draw on tools I cultivated while she was still facing challenges; I continue to live intentionally and thoughtfully.

I don’t want to suggest that my journey is easy, nor minimize anyone else’s struggle. I have difficult days too. However, I aim to share what has been supportive for me. One aspect is taking pride in how I engaged during her last five years. We had no major conflicts.

When feelings of anger and frustration arose, instead of directing them at her, I channeled them into writing and reflecting. I realized that those emotions belonged to me, and I chose to respond with love.

I texted her to express my pride in her and my love. This acknowledgment didn’t take away from her achievements. Focusing on how I positively contributed has been invaluable. Of course, I have regrets. For those moments, I practice self-forgiveness and refuse to beat myself up over them.

I did the best I could with the knowledge I had, loving her unconditionally. Another key element is embracing my grief rather than avoiding it. When my daughter’s substance use emerged, I resisted it instead of accepting it, and I had to learn to carry my grief without denial.

It feels like a heavy burden, but I can still pursue a meaningful life despite this loss. I think about how to live fully in the present and cherish the people still in my life. How can I appreciate the joy around me now? Staying present is crucial, as future worries can feel overwhelming.

Lastly, I confront the “what-ifs” that cross my mind. One significant example is regretting not staying with her the night she had to leave her sober living home. To cope with these thoughts, I try to limit them. Additionally, we often believe that our what-if scenarios would lead to the desired outcome.

I remain open to the idea that things might not have turned out as I hoped; perhaps I couldn’t have saved her even with different choices.

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