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Does childhood trauma lead to a lifetime of addiction? Cindy experienced a tumultuous upbringing marked by alcohol, chaos, and fear, which deeply influenced her relationship with drinking for many years. She battled a recurring pattern of detoxing and then retoxing, attending spiritual retreats in hopes of freeing herself from alcohol, only to fall back into her old habits upon returning home. It wasn’t until she lost her brother to alcohol-related issues in 2020 that she discovered the strength to change her harmful ways. Since enrolling in This Naked Mind’s Path program, Cindy has been alcohol-free since September 2023, embarking on a journey of healing and self-discovery.
A Life of Chaos and Uncertainty
Alcohol was present in my life from a very young age. I witnessed a lot during my childhood, from adults having wild fun at parties to violent outbursts once we returned home. I often felt unsafe. After my parents divorced when I was nine, I took on the role of caretaker for my mom and younger brother, Bill. By the age of 16, I left home and began drinking, smoking, and using drugs, following the example set by my parents.
As a young child, I found alcohol frightening. I observed how quickly adults could transform from happy to angry after drinking. I learned to be quiet and observant, understanding that alcohol changed people in alarming ways. But as I grew a bit older—around 8, 9, or 10—I began to sneak alcohol at these parties. That first buzz lifted the weight of my worries, and I realized alcohol could numb my fears.
Childhood Trauma and Early Descent into Addiction
I recognized the negative effects of alcohol through the chaos in my childhood home. My parents’ drinking led to neglect and abuse. At just 8 years old, I was sexually assaulted by a drunk neighbor, the boyfriend of my mom’s close friend, and confusingly blamed by the adults around me. My innocence was shattered that day.
One such chaotic incident involved a bottle of scotch thrown at my head by my mom’s friend, splintering above me and showering me with glass and liquor. The aftermath was chaotic, with me desperately trying to bring my passed-out mother back home. Those experiences left me feeling hopeless and isolated, solidifying my distrust in others, leading me to become “Tough Cindy,” refusing to speak to adults during that summer.
By ages 13 or 14, I was already dependent on alcohol, surrounding myself with older kids to get drunk. Drugs and sex soon followed as drinking lowered my inhibitions, leading me into precarious situations. By 16, I was living with my cocaine-using boyfriend, who was a decade older than me.
Finding Meaning in Parenthood
After years of substance abuse, I felt exhausted with life. At 20, I sensed I had experienced a lifetime and didn’t want to go on. Yet, when I discovered I was pregnant by my boyfriend, I believed this was my opportunity to escape the chaos. Becoming a mother at 21 brought a renewed sense of purpose and the determination to quit drinking and using drugs.
While my pregnancy was a turning point, I unfortunately turned to food for comfort since I had cut alcohol out. It took me years to realize that I needed to address my childhood traumas to avoid seeking comfort in alcohol, drugs, sex, or food. I simply rode the waves of life: divorce, completing my education, remarriage, and having two more children, with alcohol constantly in the background. I found myself giving alcohol many responsibilities: managing stress, sadness, and celebrations. This ultimately disappointed me as I had promised myself not to repeat my parents’ chaotic parenting style. Being a single parent made drinking particularly difficult, especially without a support system. After remarrying, I began to socialize within alcohol-centered circles in my 30s and 40s.
The Detox to Retox Cycle That Held Me Captive
I began “taking breaks” from alcohol around my 50th birthday in 2017, aiming to maintain control. During this period, I noticed that it required more wine to achieve the same buzz, and the hangovers were increasing in severity and duration. Recovering from heavy drinking started taking days.
At the same time, I followed various spiritual teachers, still searching for ways to fill the void I felt. I became trapped in a cycle of detoxing at retreats (with figures like Deepak Chopra and Gabby Bernstein) only to revert to drinking as soon as I was back home. For years, I was aware of my unhealthy relationship with alcohol, desperately seeking ways to take breaks without fully committing to quitting, driven by a fear of being an alcoholic like my parents—a thought that filled me with shame.
Reevaluating My Relationship with Alcohol
The birth of my grandson Jacob in 2019 prompted me to reflect on how I raised my children and how I was raised myself. I felt a strong pull to end the cycle of generational alcohol abuse, but I lacked the tools to stop drinking, other than the guilt I felt each morning when I woke at 3 a.m. feeling anxious.
During the Covid crisis in 2020, my drinking escalated. I began smoking again, and my husband started using marijuana daily, leading us to drink earlier each day. The stress of Covid pushed me into a constant state of anxiety.
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However, the emotional freeze I experienced was something I felt most at home with, and alcohol kept me trapped in that state. At the time, my youngest child was residing in a mental health facility, which only heightened my stress levels. As a single parent, I had learned to cope with stress through drinking, but this situation was unlike anything I had faced before.
Breaking the Cycle of Detoxing and Retoxing Following Loss
I was painfully aware of how out of control my drinking had become, caught in a state of cognitive dissonance. Each morning, I would criticize myself only to fall back into the same drinking routine by afternoon. I felt ensnared in a relentless cycle of detoxing and retoxing, and at times, I felt indifferent about trying to escape it.
Tragically, my brother passed away in October 2020 due to heart complications at the young age of 50. Acute alcohol use disorder was noted as a contributing factor. I hadn’t realized the extent of his struggles until I cleared out his apartment following his death, which was littered with empty liquor and beer bottles. It was clear he had not been caring for himself for quite some time.
The shock and grief from his loss overwhelmed me. We’d looked out for each other throughout our upbringing. He was three years my junior and came to live with me when I was 18. Together, we navigated the chaos of life as young adults. He continued to stay with my first husband and me when my daughter was born, and he remained an integral part of my life and my child’s upbringing even after my divorce.
We always supported one another, and I felt like I had failed him when I moved in with my second husband, making it difficult to visit him regularly. His death left me with a mix of guilt and sorrow. It marked the turning point in my relationship with alcohol. I think of him every day and feel as though he is guiding me towards becoming the best version of myself.
Seeking Control
I had always been an all-or-nothing drinker. Some evenings I would abstain, only to overindulge on occasions when I did drink. Moderation was never my forte; I sought the high of intoxication, not the flavor of alcohol itself. I considered rehab at times but ultimately opted for spiritual retreats, which I found less stigmatizing. I also turned to exercise as a way to manage my drinking, taking up triathlons in my 40s, as training kept me from overindulging in alcohol.
I joined The Path in July 2023 and have been alcohol-free since September 1, 2023. By letting go of alcohol, I’m beginning to feel genuine love, serenity, and happiness within myself. I’m learning to comfort myself by simply being present and allowing my emotions to flow naturally. It feels miraculous—almost magical. I’m rediscovering the ability to love myself unconditionally and for that, I am thankful.
Ending the Detox to Retox Cycle
Are you tired of the endless cycle of detoxing and retoxing? Are you prepared to achieve lasting freedom from alcohol? Seize that freedom and the tranquility you desire now! Join The Path like Cindy did and uncover the joy and healing she has experienced!
My life has transformed significantly over the past year. I now feel content and fulfilled, filled with peace and love in my heart. Joy accompanies me daily. While I still experience moments of discomfort, sadness, and grief, I am now capable of feeling it all. I’ve learned to forgive and to love again.
My relationships have turned out to be the most positive aspects of my life. I was on the brink of divorce, but the small act of acceptance and the understanding that I cannot change others or certain situations played a key role in salvaging my marriage. The clarity, respect, and love we now share is incredible.
The personal growth I’m experiencing is also mending the relationships I had with my parents. For far too long, I held them responsible for my discontent. Letting go of that blame (and my shame) has been liberating. Knowing they did the best they could with the knowledge they had is freeing. My parents both passed away when I was in my 20s, preventing me from mending our bond in person. However, I believe we have reconciled spiritually, and I feel they would be proud of me for breaking our family’s cycle of addiction.
I’m excited to continue building a life where I don’t feel the need to numb my feelings.
Share Your Story
Did you find that our books, the app, the podcasts, or another initiative from This Naked Mind helped break the cycle of detoxing and retoxing? We invite you to share your experience here to inspire others on their path!
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