“Setting boundaries takes courage and is an essential part of loving ourselves, even if it may disappoint others.” – Brene Brown
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries can be described as the limits we put in place to communicate how we expect to be treated, ensuring our happiness, health, safety, and well-being.
By establishing boundaries, we create a sense of security and confidence in our lives. Strong boundaries help clarify our needs and empower us to specify how we wish to be treated in our interactions.
Even if we don’t vocalize our boundaries, knowing them in our minds allows us to feel more at ease and authentic.
Types of Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
🌻 EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES:
These entail communicating and validating each other’s feelings, respecting emotional needs, and distinguishing personal moods from those of your partner.
For instance, if your partner is having a rough day, you should not feel responsible for their emotional state to the point where it negatively affects you. Listening and supporting them differs from absorbing their feelings.
Establishing how to handle and discuss conflicts or disagreements is also integral to emotional boundaries.
🌻 INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES:
This involves recognizing and respecting differences in opinions, beliefs, and values. It’s acceptable to disagree, but both partners need to agree on what disagreements are tolerable and which are deal-breakers.
Any differences in beliefs should be acknowledged without one partner trying to alter the other’s perspective, even if it means the differences are too significant for the relationship to survive.
🌻 TIME BOUNDARIES:
Partners should honor each other’s time commitments, as issues may arise from lateness or last-minute cancellations. It’s equally important to allocate time for personal space and individual needs.
Allocating time for important personal interests, such as hobbies and relationships with friends and family, is essential.
Engaging in activities outside of the relationship is healthy, while also making time for shared activities like date nights and quality moments together.
🌻 MATERIAL BOUNDARIES:
This includes discussions about financial responsibilities, such as who covers what expenses and whether you are open to lending money to each other or to others.
Money can be a sensitive topic, so it’s crucial to collaboratively make decisions about financial matters.
If you live together, discussing and agreeing on financial responsibilities becomes even more vital.
🌻 SEXUAL BOUNDARIES:
Each person has the right to express their comfort levels regarding intimacy and sexual preferences, ensuring mutual respect and understanding.
Everyone has the right to decide whether to agree or disagree to any intimate activities, including who, when, how, and where these occur. You can establish personal limits regarding your comfort levels, and it is essential for each partner to honor those boundaries.
Discussing intimate matters can be challenging or unfamiliar if you’re not used to open conversations about it. However, it’s beneficial to share your likes and dislikes regarding intimacy with your partner.
🌻 PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES:
Consider your personal space and how comfortable you are with showing affection like holding hands, kissing, or cuddling in public settings. How do you feel about these displays?
How significant is physical affection to you in a relationship?
🌻 PRIVACY BOUNDARIES:
It’s important to respect each other’s privacy regarding personal devices like phones and computers. What are your thoughts on asking questions about this privacy?
While being open is beneficial, there may be aspects of past relationships that you might not feel comfortable discussing.
🌻 PRACTICAL BOUNDARIES:
If you live together, what household tasks are you willing to take on, and what do you expect from your partner regarding daily responsibilities? If one of you cooks, does the other clean? How do you distribute chores and manage bills together?
How do you feel about planning date nights, vacations, and social gatherings? Is it important to you that your partner takes initiative in organizing these activities, or do you prefer to handle most of the planning yourself?
How to Discuss Boundaries?
If you’ve had unhealthy past relationships, you might not have recognized your limits until they’ve been crossed. It’s beneficial to express your needs and non-negotiables early on in a new relationship.
Start by inquiring about your partner’s needs and boundaries. Early on, discuss what’s unacceptable for them in a relationship, along with their expectations from you.
Reciprocate by sharing what matters to you. Conversations about boundaries and needs are ongoing processes as your relationship develops. Don’t expect to resolve everything in just one chat; instead, starting these discussions in a committed relationship sets a positive foundation.
You don’t have to reveal all your boundaries in a single conversation or even list every single one, as many will naturally be respected in a loving relationship.
The key is to understand your boundaries personally, which enables you to recognize when they might be challenged.
Important Considerations for Communicating Your Boundaries:
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND
Feel free to change your mind. You shouldn’t feel guilty for adjusting your decision, but it’s crucial to communicate any new choices, especially if they impact others.
Just because you allowed something once doesn’t mean you must permit it again. It’s perfectly okay to establish new expectations. If someone comments, “It didn’t bother you before,” you can simply respond, “Well, it does now.”
REFUSE TO ACCEPT BLAME
You can empathize and validate your partner’s feelings, but if they attempt to blame you through guilt, make it clear that you won’t take responsibility for their reactions.
SAYING NO
Keep in mind that the purpose of establishing boundaries is to safeguard your own well-being. Learn to say ‘NO’ when something goes against your values or has a negative impact on you.
KEEP YOUR FEELINGS & OPINIONS INTACT – DON’T ALLOW THEM TO GET MIXED UP
It’s essential for couples to maintain their individual identities, as this uniqueness is likely what drew you to each other initially. Don’t allow your feelings or opinions to blend with your partner’s; neither of you should presume the other’s thoughts or voice them on behalf of each other.
SETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES & HOW TO ADDRESS THEM WHEN CROSSSED
1) ✅ When your partner crosses a boundary, begin by processing your feelings. Consider writing down your thoughts in a journal to express why you feel upset. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try deep breathing exercises, such as the 7-11 technique (breathe in through your nose for a count of 7 and breathe out for a count of 11, repeating until you feel at ease). These practices will help regulate your nervous system, allowing you to regain your composure.
2) ✅ Once you’re feeling more relaxed, communicate your boundaries clearly, emphasizing that you will not accept any violations of these boundaries. Explain what bothers you and focus on the specific behavior instead of criticizing your partner. Clearly outline what you need moving forward and the consequences if the boundary is crossed again.
For instance: “When you criticize my viewpoint, it feels like you don’t respect our differences. Moving forward, I would like you to honor my opinions as I do yours. If this cannot be done, it reflects a lack of respect that I cannot accept.”
Alternatively, “I dislike being late to social events. If you are late again, I will go on my own.”
Another example might be: “It frustrates me when you are irritable and snap at me. If this occurs again, I will leave the room and will not engage with you until we can have a respectful conversation.”
3) ✅ Show care: Let your partner know that the relationship is significant to you and that you are establishing boundaries to foster a healthy connection.
4) ✅ Make it reciprocal by asking your partner about their boundaries and doing your best to respect and honor them.
I hope this advice proves helpful, whether you’re currently in a relationship or seeking a healthy one!