Have you come across the concept of S.U.R.F.?
Are you feeling overwhelmed trying to discuss your child’s struggles with drugs or alcohol?
Do your discussions often escalate into arguments or result in both of you shutting down?
The way you communicate with your child is crucial.
Here’s why:
- If conversations turn sour, become confrontational, or if either of you withdraws, it leads to more negativity and conflicts.
- Engaging in positive dialogues increases the likelihood that your child will be more open and responsive.
- Constructive conversations are effective. You are more likely to achieve your goals.
- It encourages your child to be less defensive and more inclined to collaborate with you, giving you a better chance to see them take steps toward recovery.
- These skills are applicable in all interpersonal scenarios. Spending time learning positive communication techniques can enhance various areas of your life.
The way you communicate your concerns about your child’s substance use can greatly impact the outcome of the conversation.
If you’ve been using the CRAFT method, you may have noticed one of their key communication strategies: the 7 Elements of Positive Communication.
Over time, these 7 Elements have evolved into the S.U.R.F. method.
S.U.R.F. is an acronym designed to make these concepts easier to recall and apply.
By considering your approach to conversations with your child, you can communicate more effectively and maintain a positive attitude.
S.U.R.F. stands for:
- Be Specific
- Offer an Understanding Statement
- Accept Partial Responsibility
- Label Your Feelings
There isn’t a strict order to use these methods, but it’s beneficial to incorporate all of them into your discussions.
These skills lead to more effective conversations and can serve as a powerful tool for both you and your child to progress.
Successful conversations depend on your child feeling less defensive, even if they don’t completely agree with your points.
Let’s explore S.U.R.F. in more detail to grasp its meaning.
Be Specific
Vague requests are often overlooked.
When addressing your child, it’s important to concentrate on their actions. Clarity enhances the chances of being heard. Focus on a single area of concern rather than overwhelming them with multiple issues. Discuss the specific behavior you wish to see improved.
Writing down your thoughts can be helpful. Start with a small point rather than addressing an exhaustive list of concerns. Pick one aspect to tackle.
It’s all about making small strides. By addressing one issue at a time, you can move forward more effectively.
Offer an Understanding Statement
Demonstrating understanding can reduce defensiveness in your child and encourage cooperation.
You might not agree with your child’s actions or their proposed solutions, but you can strive to understand their perspective.
One way to express understanding during the conversation is by saying, “I can see why you would feel that way…”
Being understanding does not mean being sarcastic, belittling your child, or trying to dictate their thoughts. It’s about empathizing, taking their feelings into account, and relating to their experiences. Even if you haven’t dealt with substance use yourself, you likely experienced similar emotions during your own youth.
Accept Partial Responsibility
It can be challenging for parents to take responsibility. Acknowledging your role in the issue doesn’t mean that your child’s substance use is your fault. However, it can help to recognize any part you may play in the situation.
By accepting some responsibility, you show your child that you’re not assigning blame, but instead, you’re committed to finding a solution together.
This approach conveys that you are a team, working towards a common goal.
Your child may feel that they haven’t done anything right, so recognizing your own mistakes can help lift their spirits, indicating that you are both in this together.
Label Your Feelings
In discussions, it’s more effective to avoid blaming language and focus on expressing your own emotions.
When sharing your feelings, try to minimize the use of “You” in your sentences.
For instance, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you don’t do your chores!” rephrase it to, “I would really appreciate it if you could take out the garbage today.”
Also, share positive feelings: “I feel comfortable when you text me to let me know your plans.” Acknowledging your child’s positive behavior increases the likelihood that they will repeat it.
Here are some additional tips for using these four strategies effectively:
- The timing of your conversation is crucial.
- Your tone and body language are important considerations.
- Practice what you want to say in advance for clarity.
- Start with less challenging topics before diving into tougher conversations.
S.U.R.F. is a powerful communication tool.
Ride the wave of better dialogue, moving you closer to your child being ready for change.
As a mother who has navigated the challenges of substance use, I truly understand the confusion that comes with not knowing how to begin or support your child. If you’re seeking advice to help guide you toward recovery, feel free to download my FREE Guide: 20 Tips To Help Your Child Overcome Substance Use.
