When we worry that we can’t express our true selves, we hold back parts of who we are. This article offers guidance on how to release expectations and pressures to care for our own needs and desires with compassion.
Essential Takeaways
- Being authentic correlates with greater happiness, confidence, and improved relationships, but fear can hinder us.
- Exploring our fears about being our true selves can help identify the obstacles to authenticity and how we can overcome them.
- The practice of loving-kindness meditation can foster self-trust and deepen our connection with our inner truths and overall well-being.
Did you realize that being authentic is fundamentally connected to our happiness? To be authentic means feeling at ease in our own skin, accepted by those around us, and aligned with our personal values. This type of confidence isn’t derived from external achievements but from an inner assurance that we are enough just as we are—regardless of our emotions, needs, or abilities—and that we contribute positively to the fabric of life. We can stay true to our authentic selves—our intrinsic nature or character—despite the pressures exerted by the outside world.
Authenticity is a crucial element in forming healthy and lasting relationships; however, embracing it can be challenging on a daily basis. Why is that? The answer is straightforward: fear. We often worry that if we reveal our true selves—expressing our genuine thoughts and feelings without filtering or modifying them—others may distance themselves, feel hurt, or even walk away.
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.”
—Brené Brown,
author and researcher
Authenticity: The Ultimate Act of Surrender
Brené Brown, who has dedicated a decade to the study of authenticity, emphasizes in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we should be and embracing who we truly are.” Choosing to be authentic includes:
- embracing our imperfections
- allowing ourselves to be vulnerable
- establishing boundaries.
Without being true to our deeper feelings and needs, we cannot create healthy boundaries. (In my previous article, I provided insights on developing compassionate boundaries both at home and at work.)
Something I actively practice and recommend to my students, which enhances authenticity, is to opt for “discomfort over discontent.” For instance, when fear arises, it can create an uncomfortable sensation, leading us to distract ourselves from, or suppress, our true feelings and needs. However, that approach seldom leads to satisfaction.
Taking personal and professional risks can indeed feel daunting. Yet, ignoring our true feelings and needs will only lead them to surface unexpectedly, potentially causing harm to ourselves and those around us. The more we connect with our authentic selves, the easier it becomes to live and lead from that place.
Exemplifying Authenticity
In a session with Amy, a participant in one of my Mindful & Well-Being programs, we discussed authenticity when she voiced her concerns: “I hesitate to share something with my husband because I fear it will ‘ruin’ our evening and create distance between us. So, I bury it. Yet, a few days later, the same issue resurfaces, and I push it back down again. This builds resentment in me, leading to disconnection. Eventually, after a week, a wall forms between us. He senses something is wrong, and I retreat even further. My pent-up feelings then culminate in an explosive outburst of anger and frustration. All of this could have been avoided if I had simply found the courage to express my true feelings and needs.”
Authenticity Exercise: 4 Questions to Consider
Reflect on a recent moment with a partner, friend, family member, or colleague when you wished to be yourself but felt unable to. Picture pausing at the peak of the interaction and asking yourself these questions:
- What am I afraid might happen if I share my feelings right now with this person?
- How will I feel if I hold back my thoughts and emotions?
- If fear were absent, what would I want to express to this person at this moment?
- How can I communicate this with greater vulnerability?
I posed these questions to Amy, and here were her answers:
- What are you afraid would happen if you really shared your truth with your husband? I fear he won’t embrace or accept what I want to share, leading to conflict and him becoming defensive or distant.
- How will you feel if you don’t share this? I will feel frustrated with myself and him for not expressing my feelings and needs, which may cause me to react aggressively or withdraw from him.
- If you weren’t afraid, what would you wish to say? I would say, “Honey, I know your mother is visiting next month, but I would prefer if she stayed with us for only three days instead of a whole week. I appreciate your close relationship with her, but with our busy work schedules during her visits, I often feel overwhelmed by her expectations. The length of her stay can strain our relationship and makes it tough to enjoy her time with us. I believe it would be easier and more enjoyable for everyone if she spent half that time with us and the other half with your sister. Maybe you could take some time off to be with her? I’m not sure what the best solution is, but I value your input and would love your support. I want our time with her to be pleasant, and I know that means a lot to you too. Can we develop a plan that accommodates both our needs?”
How to Tune into Our Pressures and Make Decisions?
Through meditation, we become aware of the interconnectedness of everyone and can uncover what truly matters to us. Authenticity is a key principle in my life. I nurture it each day by having the courage to reveal my true self—the good, the bad, and the silly—to my friends, family, clients, and the world at large. Admittedly, at times it can be frightening, especially when fear creeps in just before I express my truth. It whispers, “What if others don’t accept these aspects of me?” They may not, but no one will love every single aspect of me. The price of inauthenticity is living only part of my life—locking away the vibrant, loud, and sometimes goofy sides of myself. Who wants to live like that? I’ve experienced this way of living firsthand.“`html
I previously found myself unfulfilled, so I’m now opening up the different facets of my true self, both in personal and professional contexts.
“Loving-kindness” refers to the heartfelt wish for the well-being of ourselves and others. It embodies the idea of trusting in ourselves, believing we possess the capacity to understand our true nature thoroughly and completely, without feelings of hopelessness. Most importantly, it means not turning against ourselves despite what we uncover.
Loving-kindness has become a significant source of support for me in embracing my authenticity. It represents a genuine wish for well-being for both ourselves and others. This concept also encompasses self-trust and the belief that we are equipped to delve deeply into our own identities without despair, and crucially, without self-recrimination for what we might discover.
8 Ways to Embrace Your True Self
- Ensure that your thoughts and needs are in harmony with your words and actions.
- Make decisions based on your values, taking into account your intuition, research, and the broader context.
- Engage in daily activities that truly represent your deepest desires, needs, and values.
- Advocate for yourself and clearly express your wants.
- Do not tolerate any form of abuse.
- Stop adjusting your behavior simply to be liked; embrace being your perfectly imperfect self!
- Clearly communicate and uphold your boundaries, particularly concerning the energy you can manage around you.
- Show your fears love and compassion.
Continual Learning and Growth
Incorporating a regular practice of meditation can greatly support and promote authenticity. When we practice mindfulness, we attune ourselves to truths that matter, even as we navigate through external pressures that may contradict our internal convictions.
Another method to foster authenticity is by setting learning goals, which allows us to explore our identities without feeling like impostors. We should embrace the notion that we may not get everything right immediately. Instead of shielding our old, comfortable selves from the potential disruptions of change, we should investigate paths that lead to more authentic, empowered, and fulfilling lives.
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