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Siblings are the ones we learn from, teaching us important lessons about fairness, cooperation, compassion, and often, these lessons are tough. ~ Pamela Dugdale
The struggles of siblings can be profound when a brother or sister is battling substance use.
As they navigate their family’s addiction crisis, they may experience numerous emotions and situations. Below are two examples with names changed for privacy.
Jason had faced multiple treatment programs, managing to keep on track for a while before relapsing. He had two sisters and a brother; one of his sisters always offered her support.
However, Jason’s brother and sister were filled with resentment and anger towards the situation. On numerous occasions, his brother confronted their parents, arguing about their methods of handling Jason’s issues. He believed that they were wasting money and felt deep frustration over the pain Jason had caused them. Currently, Jason is working toward recovery and is trying to mend his relationships with his siblings.
Similarly, Marc had a challenging path to recovery. He relocated closer to his brother but continued to struggle with relapses. Many times, Marc wouldn’t respond to his brother’s calls or messages. The family had hoped that this move would benefit Marc, but unfortunately, he persisted in using drugs and distancing himself from his brother.
As Marc’s brother’s wedding approached, invitations went out. However, Marc did not receive one. His brother was unsure whether Marc could be trusted to attend the wedding sober. Moreover, he felt that recent family outings revolved around Marc and his crises. He didn’t want the focus on addiction to overshadow his special day.
It’s easy to imagine the heartache involved in such a decision. Time has since passed, and Marc is committed to establishing a healthier lifestyle.
S.C. Megale shares a poignant moment with her brother, Matt, in her book American Boy: The Opioid Crisis and the Sister Left Behind.
“He looked at me, stuffing clothes into a bag. His voice was sad.”
“Hi, Birdie.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I approached him.
I can still recall the softness of his fluffy, lint-covered hoodie as I hugged him. He held onto me tightly.
“Just promise you’ll never leave me,” I pleaded.
He took a shaky breath, sounding uncertain.
“I won’t.”
Tragically, Matt passed away from an overdose on March 4, 2017.
Being a sibling of someone struggling with substance use brings numerous challenging circumstances. Feelings of anger, shame, frustration, and resentment can abound. Some face the heartbreaking loss of their dear brother or sister.
They confront the despair of the situation yet feel powerless to change it.
Sibling dynamics can further complicate matters, as they may influence one another regarding substance use.
Often, siblings find themselves needing to either cover for their brother or sister or inform their parents of concerning behavior. This sometimes leads to a loss of trust with their sibling.
Neither of these situations fosters a healthy environment.
The turmoil surrounding substance use resonates throughout families, and often siblings find themselves caught in the confusion.
A newsletter from Family Drug Help notes, “Siblings are often called the ‘forgotten victims’ because they experience the effects of their sibling’s drug use just as intensely as other family members, yet they lack a channel to voice their pain. Typically, the focus is placed on the sibling with the addiction, leaving other children asking, ‘What about me?’”
Due to the attention the sibling with substance use receives, others may become resentful about their lack of parental time and attention.
Furthermore, a sibling can become frustrated with how their parents handle the situation, perceiving them as enabling the sibling’s problems. They may desire different rules but also often lack understanding regarding addiction and healthy approaches. Still, siblings can assist their parents in finding solutions for the sibling in distress.
As you seek help and support for the family, it’s crucial to also include siblings in that support system. Your other children might appear strong to avoid adding to your distress, but they are just as in need of support. Enhancing everyone’s understanding of substance use disorders leads to the chance for a stronger and healthier family.
Common Emotions
An article from the Gateway Foundation highlights several emotions frequently expressed by siblings:
- Feelings of helplessness and uncertainty about the right way to assist their sibling
- Fear that addiction may be a hereditary issue within the family
- Bitterness if they feel that the addicted sibling’s needs have taken away from the attention they receive
- Guilt and shame if they determine that distancing themselves is the healthiest option
- The burden to excel or be flawless to ease their parents’ disappointment or family tension
Here are five strategies to support everyone involved in navigating family substance use disorders.
1. Be transparent with your child’s siblings
While there may be a tendency to shield your children from the realities of their sibling’s struggles, especially depending on their ages, generally, honesty and clarity are the best policies in addressing the issue.
Brené Brown, in her book Dare to Lead, states, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
She emphasizes that “Most of us err in avoiding clarity under the guise of kindness, but it’s truly unkind and unfair. Providing only half-truths or misleading information to comfort others often serves our own needs for comfort, which is ultimately unkind.”
It’s essential for siblings to understand the issues at hand so everyone is informed and can work together to obtain family support.
2. Tackle shame and stigma
In one family’s experience, their younger child faced exclusion from friends’ homes. This was partly due to the stigma surrounding their sibling’s substance use.
This stigma can lead to feelings of heartache and trauma for any child impacted by their sibling’s addiction. To ensure the safety and emotional wellbeing of all involved, it’s important to establish clear boundaries for acceptable behavior.
Make certain that every family member recognizes that recovery is a journey and aimed at healing.
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A supportive approach is essential through a long-term journey. Maintain open lines of communication to ensure everyone feels adequately informed.
3. Engage Family Support
The more candid you are in addressing the issue, the better it will be. Tackle the stigma that often accompanies addiction. Ensure your child receives the necessary help to manage the situation effectively. Family support plays a vital role.
Alateen offers meetings in various major cities for siblings. You can check for meetings in your local area.
SMART Recovery also provides meetings for family members and friends. Family counseling—whether together or individually—allows siblings to share their feelings. External support can significantly lessen any resentment surrounding substance use.
4. Care for All Your Children
Dealing with substance use can leave all family members feeling overwhelmed. It’s natural to focus on your child in distress, wanting to support them in every way possible. However, this can result in neglecting your other children, who may then feel overlooked and resentful. They are trying to navigate their own challenges without receiving adequate attention.
Set aside time each day to focus on your child facing substance issues, but also strive to provide encouragement and support to your other children, as they need your attention more than ever.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
To effectively support your struggling child and your other children, it’s important that you take care of yourself as well. Engage in self-care practices to build resilience during challenging times. This will enable you to recover and be there for your other children.
Recognize and celebrate the achievements of your other children. Spend quality time with them and your partner to ensure everyone feels affirmed.
Stay active, enjoy fun activities alone or with your other children, and explore various outlets to recharge.
Addiction affects everyone within the family unit. With mindful effort, you can ensure that your child’s siblings feel included in the solution while having their own needs addressed.
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My book, The Compassion Antidote, might address many questions you have concerning your child’s situation.