Many individuals believe that creating goals—especially at this time of year—is beneficial.
However, what generally occurs after a short period?
You stop pursuing them!
In the realm of love and relationships, our coaching client Jill discovered that establishing relationship goals might not always lead to deeper love and connection.
This is her story…
With the new year approaching shortly, Jill began her usual practice of setting goals, a habit she picked up in her 30s.
Like many, her goals often revolved around healthier eating, weight loss, and saving more money.
After facing numerous challenges in her relationship over the past year, she decided to incorporate some relationship-focused goals into her list.
Armed with a pen and paper, she started jotting down her goals.
As a project manager for an internet service provider, she was familiar with the principles of effective goal setting—clarity, measurability, and deadlines.
Since she and her husband often found themselves bickering over trivial matters…
Her first goal was for them to exchange five kind words with each other daily.
In her mind, she had ticked the boxes for a well-formulated goal: it was “clear,” “measurable,” and included a “completion date.”
She checked off this goal and added a couple more: consuming three servings of vegetables daily and walking a mile each day.
Excited, she presented her list to her husband, only to be met with a cold silence.
Though she understood his indifference to New Year resolutions, she had hoped he might support this relationship goal.
Yet, he was not interested.
Frustrated, she arranged a session with us to discuss how to proceed with her plans despite her husband’s reluctance.
During our coaching discussion, we encouraged Jill to take a step back and simply be a more authentic expression of love, seeing how it unfolded.
“But,” Jill challenged, “Isn’t it essential to set goals and strive hard to achieve them in order to improve our lives?”
“Not always,” we responded.
From our perspective, goals are typically focused on future achievements, accompanied by strategies designed to help you reach them…
Whereas love is about fully engaging with the present moment from your heart.
At this point, Jill felt bewildered about her plans for improving her relationship with her husband.
How could she achieve what she desired without concrete goals?
However, like many people, when she slowed down and reconsidered her thoughts and ideas, she began to see things differently.
We posed some thought-provoking questions that significantly impacted her, such as…
What if the Divine plan for her life encompassed more love than she had ever imagined?
In essence, was she perhaps aiming too low with her objectives?
What if her fears and doubts were not prompts to retract and shield her heart, but calls to expand it more?
If she adopted this perspective, how could it enhance her relationship with her husband?
What if her intense desire, stemming from concerns about the future, was actually driving her partner away instead of fostering trust and connection?
As we continued our discussion, Jill experienced illuminating “aha moments,” opened herself to new possibilities, and achieved significant breakthroughs.
–Jill recognized how she had closed off her heart to her husband over the years and taken him for granted.
–She realized that she could express love more freely, rather than creating a “to-do” list for them.
–She understood that if her heart was open, those “five kind words daily” would naturally come, not out of obligation.
–She felt confident that by being calm and loving, her husband would reciprocate.
–They undoubtedly loved each other, yet had become entangled in negative narratives about one another.
–She recognized that her attempts to accomplish a goal were aimed at manifesting something that wasn’t currently present.
But love is always available. We just tend to cover it up and push it away.